Disruption of reality
by Endofme46
Summary: The universe remembered that Jane Rizzoli doesn't get to be happy. That my life was never supposed to be anything other than what it was. This is the sequel to beautiful stranger, that I think you should read before you do this one.
1. Chapter 1

The nightmare twists inside me like something alive. I wake with a gasping start, sitting up in bed, panting like I had run a really fast mile. The bleakness of my thoughts and the memories of Hoyt intermingle, turning the experience even more volatile, even more dark and dangerous. The room is dark and still, a stillness that holds something other than simple quiet. Loss. I feel alone in a way I have never felt alone before in my life, and my thoughts turn automatically to Maura. I hadn't been alone. I just isolated myself because that is what I have always done. I closed myself off from Maura, because I just didn't know any other way. Alone was what had felt right, normal. Now I just feel loss.

Heart bumping hard against my breastbone, I fight to untangle my legs from the sheet and then race down the stairs in nothing but my pajama bottoms and tank top. Down the stairs I run until I reach the door. Everything is all tangled up inside me.

I sprint towards Beacon Hill without thought or purpose. A small, rational corner of my brain tells me to let the numbness back in, let it make me safe, but I fight against it. Something inside me is pushing me toward recklessness. I don't understand it, I'm not sure I want to understand it, but I can't seem to stop. Where is my self control? That rigid bitch inside me that holds me to the most impossible standards? Where is she? I want to kill her.

When my feet hit the street with the house Maura and I picked out together, I keep pelting down it, my lungs screaming, my legs straining, my heart breaking. I reach the front lawn, where I trip and fall. I get up on my hands and knees. I don't know when I started sobbing. I pound on the grass below me.

"This is all your fault! This is all your fault!" Anger bleeds from me, the fury that has lurked in every pore of my body. I beat at the grass until my fists throb, until every single ounce of scalding rage is gone. Expunged. Released like a torrent of pain that flows out of me and into the face of the dawn.

But this isn't anyone fault but my own. I know that. I am railing at myself, the breakdown bringing a new chance to look at the possibilities. I gasp for air and the truth hits me, hammered home like a backpack full of bricks had just been placed on my shoulders. This is all my fault.

One year ago.

When I pull into my company's parking lot, the rain is coming down so hard I can't see anything but silver sheets streaming down my windshield. The downpour traps me inside my car and leaves me feeling isolated and cocooned at the same time. And I don't do well when I'm alone with my thoughts. When there's no problem to solve or work to accomplish.

My phone rings, and I answer expecting Maura to call, she was worried about me driving in this rain.

"Hello." My voice is still scratchy from sleep.

"Jane?" I recognize the voice.

"Detective Korsak?"

"Yes." His voice is brusque, but there is also regret threaded through it. "Jane, I don't want you to worry, because we have everything under control, but I need to inform you that Charles Hoyt escaped custody."

My heart jumps into my throat. The pelting cascade of water continues to come down in staccato rhythm which had, only moments ago, been soothing, but now did nothing for me. My keys slip from my slack grasp and fall into shadows, landing somewhere on the floorboards. My past and present merge and opens up memories of Hoyt that I've been able to keep closed since he was sent to prison a little over three years ago.

I flash back to all those sessions with Hoyt, his hot breath, his groping hands. I push the door open and stumble from my car. Immediately the rain soaks me to the bone. My heart beats frantically, as if it will pound right out of my chest.

I hear a shout, the sound of a male voice sets off a spurt of panic. What is happening? I realize it's just Korsak and my panic settles until the unsettling thought of Hoyt finding Maura and Theo, how do I keep them safe? The roar of the rain muffles Korsak and I hang up on him.

The present

When the sun hits the horizon of the new day, I get up and head back home, slipping up the stairs. After my shower, I go downstairs. My mother is in the kitchen. The terrible ache isn't going away any time soon, And when I meet my mothers eyes, I have to look away.

"Good morning." I say. "How was your date with detective Korsak?"

"Good morning, Jane." Korsak walks into the kitchen looking like he belongs here. My eyes snap to my mother and she blushes ever so lightly. Even with the pain that twists my heart, I am so happy that my mother has found love.

"Well, I guess it went pretty good."

My mothers laughter and Korsak's mingle. As I stand there, it hits me like a backlash. This is what love looks like. This is happiness. And, it looks so much like…what Maura and I had shared. The longing wells up in me to once again see that patented grin that is so uniquely Maura's.

"Maybe you should start calling me Vince."

"Oh, I don't know about that." I say, giving him a weak smile.

He chuckles again, and gives my mother a knowing look. "I've got to get going." He says.

After he leaves the house and I put my cereal bowl into the sink, and turn to my mother, who is at the French doors in the kitchen looking out on the beautiful garden, a cup of steaming coffee in her hands. She seems so pensive all of a sudden.

"Well, you waited a long time, but you're finally going for it?" I say, with newfound wisdom.

"I did. And I am." She says.

I walk over and slip my arm around her waist. Its easier to do this now. Another thing Maura had made easier for me.

I stand there looking out at the garden with my mother trying not to think about Maura until I need to start getting ready for the day.

Thoughts of Maura linger in my mind as I go upstairs and tiptoe over to Theo's toddler bed. It's only then, when he looks up at me, and smiles his sweet smile that my head snaps back on straight.

"Good morning, doodle." I gather him into my arms, kissing the warm curve of his neck beneath his dark curls, that place that is still so soft and smells like the baby he once was instead of the busy toddler he's becoming.

I lean down to fetch his Happy, his name for his blue and white striped blanket from his nest of blankets. He clutches it in his chubby hands and presses it to his face with a content sigh, making me smile.

"You ready for breakfast?" I ask, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

He nods, and we head down the stairs.

The rest of the morning passes in the usual state of barely controlled chaos. Theo spills his orange juice on my last clean shirt and I have to dash back upstairs to change while my mother changes him out of his orange juice soaked sleeper and then I give him a quick wipe down at the sink. No sooner do I have him cleaned and dressed for daycare than he burst into tears because the zipper on his backpack breaks. When I finally walk out the door at ten 'til eight, I'm already exhausted and not looking forward to work.

AN-I won't be able to update this one as much as I did beautiful stranger, but I'll do my best to update as fast as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

I listen to the message that so annoyingly remained on the screen of my phone all day.

"Hi, Jane, this is Dr. Ashlyn calling. I noticed that you've cancelled the last two appointments since your last visit. I want to make sure that you're still coming to see me. Please call my office to set up an appointment as soon as possible." I roll my eyes and shake my head as I hit the delete button.

"Right." I mumble to myself.

"You talking to me, Jane?" Tommy calls out from the living room, where he has settled in to play a bloody video game.

"No!" I shout. "And turn that down. I can't hear myself think."

He ups the volume in response. I grit my teeth but don't say anything more.

The front door opens and the smell of garlic and melted cheese wafts through the living room into the kitchen. Immediately, my breath comes easier and my stomach gurgles with hunger reminding me I haven't eaten anything since ten o'clock this morning.

"Pizza!" Frankie booms in his relentlessly upbeat voice as the door slams shut behind him.

"You're an angel!" I call out, grinning as I make a beeline around the island into the living room where Theo is at Frankie feet.

Frankie's brown eyes crinkles at the edges when he laughs.

I scoop Theo up and take him into the kitchen. "Let's get your hands clean, doodle." I shift him around, balancing him between my body and the sink so our hands can tangle together beneath the cool stream of water. I focus on his pudgy little fingers, trying desperately not to think about the mistakes that have led me here.

11 months ago.

Before Maura, my life was fine. It was normal, quiet, easy. I knew who I was, or at least I thought I did. I was well off and educated. I was fine. But I was also lonely, and strange. With her, everything is easier and harder. Its beautiful and terrifying. Peaceful and chaotic. It is everything I never knew. She is everything I'm not, and yet everything I need. Now I'm confused, I'm angry, and a sense of guilt is creeping over me. I'm at the beginning of a match that I haven't trained for or expected.

"Jane." Melody's voice interrupts my thoughts. She and Harrison sit across from me at my conference table. Her voice is sympathetic, Harrison looks like he cares and it makes me want to throw up. I don't want their sympathy. I don't want them to give a shit. No one should give a shit.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" She asks me for the third fucking time.

"I don't have a choice, Melody." I say, trying to keep my voice dry and even.

"You could tell her the truth. Let her decide. That's what I'd want."

"I can't do that do her. I made a mistake when I married her. She doesn't deserve the life she'd be stuck in with me."

"Shouldn't that be her choice?" Harrison asks, drinking his glass of brandy. I'm contemplating asking him for one.

"I have to make the right one for her now. She'll get over me and meet a nice normal person." I say, more to myself than them.

"You're really going to let her go? Just like that?" Harrison asks suspiciously.

"Trust me it's not 'just like that'." I say defensively.

"I think you're making a mistake. She'll stand by you no matter what." Melody says pleading.

"I didn't come here for you guys to convince me out of it. If you don't have a solution to this problem with Hoyt, I don't want to hear any alternatives or suggestions!" I tell them.

"Okay." Harrison says simply, Melody nods. Harrison slides over the folder to me. I review the terms of what we discussed. The financial details at least. I want to make sure Maura and my son are taken care of the rest of their lives. They shouldn't have to want for anything. I flip through to the final page in the folder. It's divorce papers. I look away quickly and grab the pen on the table and sign it. When she's ready to move on completely I don't want anything to stop her. I don't want her to be stuck, even though it feels like a knife cutting through me as I sign my name. Once I'm done I slide the papers across the table back to him.

The present.

"I think his hands are clean." The words come from over my shoulder, so close it feels like they're echoing inside my skull.

I jump and turn to see Maura standing behind me, arms held out. It's only then that I realize Theo's squirming has become fussing or as close as he ever gets to fussing.

"I didn't realize you had come in." I whisper as I hand Theo over to her.

I swallow, ignoring the way my heart beats in my throat when my eyes connect with hers. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly through my nose, to calm myself.

"Oh, Maura you're here." Ma says, before I can think of something to say. "You should stay for supper, Theo was looking forward to the pizza Frankie brought."

When we're done eating, Maura offers to do the dishes, the way she always does when she has dinner at my mother's house. But this time, I offer to help her instead of sitting back and letting her do it. Frankie cocks an eyebrow at me as he and Ma walk out of the kitchen with Theo.

When I turn around, Maura is already starting on the plates. I place my hand gently on her arm and she flinches. Her gaze is fixed on the sudsy water in the pan as she waits for me to say something. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." I say, gently taking the a plate out of her hands. "I'll wash, you dry. I don't want...I mean...you don't want to get your dress dirty."

She smiles as she rinses the soap off her hands, then she steps aside and grabs a clean dish towel out of a drawer. We spend the next five minutes in relative silence. I wash as slow as possible drawing out the moment until I can work up the nerve to say something to her. She alternates between crossing her arms, biting her lip, and staring at the floor. I finish rinsing Ma's wine glass, but when I reach out to give it to her, we both accidentally drop it.

"Shit!" I say.

"Oh, no!" Maura says, immediately squatting down to clean it up.

I kneel next to her, reaching for her towel. "I'll clean it up. It was my mistake."

She stares at my hand on hers and seems unable to speak. I gently ease the towel out of her grip and she finally looks up at me. I flash her a warm smile and she looks confused.

It takes a moment, but she seems to get her bearings, looks away from me and quickly stands.

"I'm going to get Theo's things together, and get him ready to go." She tells me.

I tear my gaze away from the glass and look her in the eye. I want to tell her to stay, but this is what I wanted right? I feel like an idiot. I probably am an idiot. A confused idiot.

I quickly finish cleaning up the glass, and spend a few minutes with Theo as Maura prepares to leave.

As Maura walks out the door I silently

beg her to look at me, to let me know that she's okay, that we'll be okay. Whatever it is that we are. But she doesn't look at me, not once, and she hasn't since we were in the kitchen. She quickly leaves and I watch as she gets Theo and herself in the car and drives away.


	3. Chapter 3

11 months ago

When I walk into the house it's dark except for the light in the hall near our bedroom. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I head up the stairs. This is the first time since I've known her that I don't want to see her. That I wish I didn't have to because I know what I'm going to tell her is going to hurt her.

When I walk in the room she's sprawled across the bed. She sleeps so soundly, and I watch her, trail my eyes over her gorgeous face. My heart contracts and I reach out and very gently caress the line of her relaxed jaw. My eyes follow the line of her body, the fluent shape of her torso and hip, powerful relaxed perfection, her leg drawn up a little. All that glorious skin and bone and muscle that holds this woman together to carry the heart of her. The heart of her that is unique, special, and whether she wants to admit it or not, heroic. She is optimistic after living such an unfair life with me that was thrust onto her. But in almost everything, Maura has met the challenge with her own extraordinary way of looking at the world.

I'm not sure I'm ready to take the role of villain, to make her see me as someone I never wanted her to see, the reason I loved her so much because even in all our fights and arguments she never looked at me like that. Today she has to.

I turn on the bedside lamp and she stirs. "How long have you been here?" She asks, covering a yawn escaping from her mouth.

"Not long." I say, sitting in a chair across from the bed so we're face to face. She glances at me, her eyebrow arched. I pull my chair closer towards her and sit back down. She looks at me curiously, I can't look her in the eye. I deserve to walk out of here and never hear her voice, or feel her touch again.

"Jane, what's wrong?" She whispers, almost as if she's afraid to hear the answer. I wish more than anything I didn't have to, but I can't let her know that. Anger is what she'll want to hold on to it's what she needs.

I drop my head down, run my hands through my hair. How am I supposed to do this? My heart rate picks up. I take her hand, I won't have the strength to do it if I don't remind myself how much I love her. More than myself.

"I...I have to leave." The words are bitter as they come up from my throat.

"You have to go out of town?"

"This is different." I tell her. "I don't know if I'll be back." She looks confused. I close my eyes and stop what feels like tears about to start. I can't cry in front of her.

How am I suppose to leave here, leave the only place that's ever felt like home? They are my home.

The present.

"You guys are all packed up." Ma announces as I enter the living room.

"Are you ready for the the zoo with the best animals in the world?" I ask excitedly, lifting Theo up with me. I glance over at Maura who has a smile on her face. I'll have to remember to thank Ma later for planning this little outing today.

"Hopefully by the time you get back, I'll have this tricycle put together." Korsak chuckles, as Ma walks us to the door.

"Have lots of fun little one." Ma says, kissing Theo on the cheek.

"I'll call you guys once we're on the way back," I say, as we make our way down the stairs.

"Have a great time." Ma calls.

"So whose car are we taking?" I ask adjusting Theo in my arms.

"The carseat is in mine, but we could switch it if you want."

"Do you want to drive?" I asks.

"Not really. You want to drive my car?" She offers. I glance over at it and a smile spreads across my face.

"Sure."

When we make our way to the car, Maura swaps the lunch bag for Theo with me, pops the lock on the doors and puts Theo in his seat. We both get in the car, and I adjust my seat, a lot.

"I forgot how short you are." I say with a chuckle.

"Yeah." She says, buckling her seat belt. If things weren't awkward before, they sure are now. The playful smile on her face has disappeared.

"Says gigantor." I joke to ease the tension. She starts to laugh, and I join in. I glance at her, and quietly let out a breath.

When the radio comes on, a Italian opera begins to play. I cringe at the thought of having to listen to this the whole time.

"I can turn it to something else if you don't like it." She says, a little embarrassed.

"It's sort of depressing." I respond with a nervous chuckle as i turn onto the road from the driveway. I suppose when you are actually depressed it's soothing.

"Kind of." She admit as it continues to play.

"Top 40 okay?" She asks, turning to the radio.

"A little better." I say playfully.

The zoo is actually pretty impressive. We only make it two hours before Theo drifts off to sleep.

"He fell asleep before we even made it to see the bears." I say with genuine disappointment.

Maura laughs. "He had a good run. Let's take a lunch break. He might wake up in a half hour or so." She assures me.

We make our way over to a picnic area, and I pull out the sandwiches Ma made for us.

"Thanks." She takes one from my hand, and hands me a sanitizing wipe, i take it, amused.

She really is a mom.

She reaches in the bag and hands me a juice box. I smile gratefully and take it.

"A shot of Tequila would be a little better, but grape juice should work just as well." I joke. Maura nods as she opens one for herself. I've been trying to restrain myself this entire time, but there's so much I want to talk about.

"Can I ask you a question?" I say quietly, playing with my sandwich bag.

"Go for it."

"After I left, what made you not…You didn't...You…" I trail off, and let out a deep breath.

"Sign the divorce papers?" She asks, trying to help me along and I nod.

"Because I loved you, and I still had hope." My eyes don't leave her chest. I'm afraid to look in her eyes. I don't want to see what's there, but I wish she didn't have on that jacket she's wearing. I want to see if her chest is heaving, to know if her heart is beating as fast as mine is right now.

I glance up at her and see her eyes on the ground, a chill passes through the air and one creeps down my spine as I wait for her to say something else, when she doesn't I try to think of the best thing to say. The thing that will make her the least uncomfortable, that would make this the least awkward.

"And now?" I ask quietly.

"I don't know." She answers honestly.

"Do you think you can ever forgive me?" I ask, folding my hands together. Her eyes lock into mine, and for a second, she looks at me how She used to.

"I'm sorry, Jane, but I don't know if I can." She apologizes and stares down at the table. I try to pretend like the words aren't a knife through my heart. I can't do this. I can't feel sorry for myself every time I'm around her and things don't go my way. This isn't about me or her. It's about Theo.

"No it's okay. It's nothing to be sorry over." I plaster my practiced smile on my face. I really hope she buys it.

"It looks like rain." She mutters and at first, I think it's an attempt to fill the increasingly awkward silence that has followed this discussion. When I look up at the previously sunny sky that's become overshadowed by darkening clouds, I know it's not.

"It does." I sigh.

At least Mother Nature is doing us a favor, excusing us from our uncomfortable little outing. We grab our items and throw them in the trash. I push the stroller as we make our way to the parking lot, ending what started as a nice trip to the zoo. Thankfully, Theo was sleep before I managed to suck all the fun out of it.


	4. Chapter 4

Maura's point of view.

The present.

If a white lie makes people feel good even if it's not really helpful, what I just told Jane has to be black lie. I didn't do it to hurt her, but it is ultimately for her own good. I told Jane what she needed to hear. At 26, I've told my first black lie. A lie that did the exact opposite of making her feel good. When Jane asked me if I could ever forgive her it felt like time froze. It wouldn't be good for her, for us, if I told her that I had already. I wish she would have asked me this a couple of months ago, then I wouldn't have had to lie, but of course she asked me today. I don't want to make this whole situation any more confusing than it already is. That would just give her false hope. I thought I may have seen that hope in her eyes earlier, and that would be dangerous. I want to be her friend. I want a relationship that's uncomplicated and amicable for our son.

I haven't had as much fun as I have today in a long time. I hadn't been to the zoo in years with everything going on, and until lunch, everything was going great. For a little while, the heaviness of the situation was gone. We were normal, like everyone else. Two parents with their son, no extra drama or baggage. Before this conversation with Jane, we had a clean slate. Nothing but honesty and cooperation between us.

Now there's a lie, a lie that changed things between us, one that made us opponents instead of being on the same team. I know it's just paranoia. I'm just not used to lying to people. How do people do it so easily? I've only said one sentence, and I feel so guilty. The worst part is she doesn't think I'm lying. I'd feel better if there was a hint of skepticism, or distrust, but she believes me. She took everything I said as the truth, and that's eating me up.

She's different now. Something in her expression changed right after I told her. Something left her. It could be the very thing I wanted to see gone. Her hope. We haven't said a word to each other since we left the picnic table. She won't even look at me now. Before, I'd catch her stealing a glance at me every now and then, but not anymore. I don't know why it almost hurts that she won't.

You killed her hope! She's in mourning! Those words slam into my brain.

"Are you okay, Maura?" Jane asks. I notice I've stopped in my tracks. She's more than a few steps ahead of me, turned around, her eyes narrowed in on mine.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say aloud and catch up with her. Second lie. I'm far from fine.

Jane takes Theo out of his stroller, and puts him in his seat. She walks around the car, and her brown eyes look directly into mine, and I start to ask her what's wrong but something stops me. She loads the stroller into the trunk, and I get in the car. When she gets in the drivers seat I hand her the keys. I want to say something but I don't.

I hear Theo yawn and move around in his car seat, and I'm reminded why I'm here and why I have to do this. I catch Jane watching me and she quickly looks away when she sees shes been caught.

While she's driving I think a life with her that's easy. While we were at the zoo, It was just us, being. It was nice. She was nice, and fun to be around. I can imagine things being easy with her, but in reality I got complicated, arrogant, selfish and secretive. It's not hard to be with someone that's easy. It's not hard to love someone like that. I wish I hadn't had to deal with the mood swings, or the condescending attitudes. Things will never ever be easy with Jane and I, our history will never allow that.

I sigh and try to focus on anything but the situation at hand. I start to pay attention to how she drives, using her turn signal when switching lanes, even when no one is behind us, and staying within the speed limit. She's changed so much since we had Theo.

We finally pull in front of Angela's, and she turns the car off.

"I think I might skip dinner."The words escape my mouth before my brain can filter them. I look over at Jane and expect her to look relieved, but she doesn't. I think she looks disappointed.

"I'm just really tired." I explain. Well not tired. More like emotionally exhausted. It's a lot harder than I thought it'd be, pretending to be indifferent and not in love with a person sitting a few inches from you.

She pauses a minute then turns back towards me. "You'll have to be the one to tell Ma you're cutting the visit short, she's probably been anxiously awaiting since we left." She says with a tilt of her head and a smile that makes me want to stay. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake away the thoughts starting to surface in my mind.

"I'm sure she'll understand, right?" She displays a mischievous grin and takes out her phone and hands it back to me.

"Hey honey." Angela's voice says through the phone.

"Angela, It's Maura." I glance over at Jane who's grinning.

"Oh, Maura, is everything okay?" She asks, her tone going from cheerful to worried.

"Yes, Jane is right here. We're outside actually." I confirm.

"Oh great! Vincent finished the tricycle and I've started the lasagna." she says excitedly.

"I was actually going to. I...I…" And I chicken out. "Lasagna's my favorite." I sigh and swat Jane's arm as she laughs at me.

Jane gestures for me to give her the phone. She takes it, and just like that, my tension is gone.

"Ma, could you come and get Theo?" She asks, and I guess Angela obliges because she comes out quickly.

I notice her expression when she sees us, but she recovers quickly and greets us.

"You tired him out?" She laughs.

"We had a ton of fun." Jane says as she gets out of the car. I do the same.

"We're going to head this way." Jane says, gesturing toward the back of the house. I look back at Angela holding Theo. She gives me an assuring nod. I let out a deep breath and change directions. When we reach the gate surrounding the back yard she stops and leans on it. I do the same. There's a dog playing in the yard, what I presume to be a terrier.

"Korsak found her, and brought her here, he wants to give her to Theo but I told him I needed to speak to you about it first."

I watch the dog for several momenta wondering if Theo having a dog, is a good idea.

"What's her name?" I ask.

"Joe Friday." She says. I look at her to see if she's joking, and she laughs.

"Seriously?" I ask.

"Joe's short for Josephine, and she was found on a Friday."

"I think Theo would like a dog." I say, leaning more of my weight on the gate. She turns around and leans her back on the gate so she's facing me.

"Really?" She asks in a disbelieving tone.

"Yeah." I say. "Is that so hard to believe?" I ask her jokingly, and she shrugs.

"No, not at all." She says, covering up her surprise.

There's a breeze, but the sun is warm. I close my eyes and enjoy the small moment where I don't feel suffocated by anxiety. At this second things are just easy.

"About earlier." She says.

My eyes snap open. "Yeah?" I ask a little surprised.

"I understand if things between us stay exactly as they are, but I want to apologize. I never meant to intentionally hurt you." She says quietly. There's warmness to her voice, and when I'm brave enough look at her, shes wearing a sympathetic smile, one that is worse than if she was scowling at me.

I look up to the sky and feel myself biting my lip. Ugh. The truth. I want to tell the truth, but the truth could really complicate things between us and cloud the reason I am here. Theo.


	5. Chapter 5

Maura's point of view

2 months ago.

I step on the crowded elevator, preparing for the work day. As the elevator stops on the third floor I step aside to allow the people behind me get off, I grab my cell phone out of my purse to call Susan. As I am about to connect the call, I have an uneasy feeling someone is standing behind me. A little too close for comfort.

The hairs on the back of my neck bristles, my body suddenly becomes warm.

Without turning around, I know exactly who it is. No amount of time can erase the effect she has on me when she is near. Its as if there is an imaginary electrical current passing between us whenever we share the same space.

Spinning around slowly, I choose to keep my eyes closed longer than normal. The more seconds which pass where she doesn't infiltrate my world, the better. I know I am being ridiculous, but it works for me.

I eventually open my eyes and there she is, standing not two feet away from me. Dressed in one of her designer suits, she should look impeccable, but instead, she appears disheveled. Her face displays all the hurt and agony she is going through. She looks beat down, and ragged. There are dark circles splayed underneath her eyes, no doubt from lack of sleep. Her posture is one of defeat, portraying a heartbroken woman to anyone who cared to pay attention. I notice, simply because I share the same affliction.

She looks down at me, her hands stuffed into her pockets. I force myself to look her in the eye and I know that once I do, the flimsy wall I've tried to create around myself is going to crumble. And when I do it does, and it brings everything back to the forefront.

The lying.

The betrayal.

The heartache.

Our whole situation quickly replays in my head. So many emotions plagues me. But unfortunately, none of them are going to save me from what I'm about to do.

Or should I say…save her from what is about to happen.

Before my brain can shut down the impulse, a quick rush of air breaks the silence between us as my palm connects with her cheek.

I want her to hurt the same way I do.

My hand instantly starts to throb. Surprisingly, she stumbles back a step, actually having the decency to look ashamed. "I deserve that." She mutters. She keeps her eyes locked on me, waiting for something. Anything. Waiting for me to speak, or maybe waiting for me to strike her again.

I do neither.

We stand there for what feels like an eternity, eyes locked on one another. I cant help the sappy emotion which takes hold. I miss her. Miss looking at her face which I love so much. Miss her smell and the feel of being held in her arms. I miss talking to her and sharing stories. I even miss arguing with her.

But no amount of missing can obliterate the feeling of hopelessness

which wraps around me. And if I don't do something about it soon, it will swallow me up and never let me go.

Realizing being so close to one another isn't a good idea, I turn away and walk briskly out of the elevator.

I don't make it far before she is right on my heels. "Maura, please stop. I need to explain myself. Just give me a chance." She pleads, reaching out and gripping my elbow. Her hold throws me off balance, allowing her to whip me around so we are face to face again.

"I can't." I say softly. Why is she doing this? Why is she trying to take me to a place I have to leave in order to move on? "I don't have anything to say to you, Jane, and quite honestly, I don't care to hear what you have to tell me."

Her dejected gaze pleads with me to give her the chance she needs, but I can't do it. Not right now, not after everything I've went through these last nine months without her.

If Jane had been a sensitive woman, I would have thought our situation was weakening her. Her eyes are glassy and red, indicating she is going to cry. But that isn't her. She is strong and unwavering, passionate and dominant. Yes, there were glimpses of sensitivity I'd seen during our time together, but it was mostly during the intimate times we'd shared. The far off look which would take over her features as if her feelings toward me were too much for her.

She sucks in a ragged breath and straightens her spine. "You have to believe I was only looking out for you, trying to keep you safe. I swear it." She advances toward me, reaching out to try and touch me, but I back away.

I guess the reality is, she doesn't need to take me to that place. I'm already there living in it. Since the day I met her, I've been there, and shes the only person I want to be there with me.

"If you wanted to protect me so much, you should have told me what was going on right from the beginning." Realizing I cant torture myself any longer I turn around again.

"Don't give up on me." her words are quiet barely over a whisper and I wonder if I imagined them. I close my eyes and continue on.

Thankfully, she doesn't try to stop me.

The present.

I wake up from a dream so real, I can still feel Jane's hands on me. I'm on the floor in a cold sweat. I don't remember falling asleep but I must have drifted off after Angela came and got Theo. I try to catch my breath and slow my heart down at the same time. It's the third dream I've had this week about Jane. If Jane was dead I'd swear she was haunting me in my dreams. But it's not really Jane, of course. I've held on so tightly up until now that there's a part of me having trouble letting go. I can only describe it like an addict detoxing. I guess it's the right time for this to happen. After all the news reports of Charles Hoyt.

He's dead. Which only means one thing, Jane killed him. Jane, the woman I love so much, the woman who left me to raise our son alone is a murderer.

I try not to think about that, or how I'm supposed to accept it. My mind says I must, but my heart and mind have never been able to agree on anything. And I wonder if anyone else has put the pieces together. I haven't seen her since we took Theo to the zoo, usually shes here every weekend to pick him up, but Angela has been doing that for the last two weeks. It's almost like she's gone again. The more I think about it the angrier I get.

Did she really think this would be better for me? For Theo?

Today I worked up the confidence to try to start moving forward. Still, it's funny how when you try to move on, some habits from the past creep in and wrap around you. I hadn't had any alcohol since before I found out I was pregnant with Theo, but Today, I needed it to aid me in packing up her things, trying to be content with where we are at.

I look at the last box I packed right before Angela showed up, the last box of the remainder of all things Jane that I could find. It's the first step of many that I'm taking to try to cleanse myself of her, even though the thought of it makes my heart sink, even though my own tears choked me as I gathered everything together. I kept trying to remind myself that I'm mad at her, but how do I shake the feeling that I'm in mourning? I know it's only been a year since all of this happened, but when do I feel fixed? When will I be able to get over all that has happened? When do I start to feel a little less numb than I did the day before? Because now, the same hole within me just seems to be getting deeper, and what Angela described as a way of taking my life back, in actuality, is like burying myself deeper and deeper. I squeeze my hands together and take deep breaths. I can't stand this.

I go to close the box and remember there's only one thing left that hasn't been packed away. I walk over to my drawer, and underneath all of my blouses, a button up of hers, studded with tiny black buttons and smells faintly of her. When she first left, I couldn't bear to get rid of her things. I avoided them, never once opening her closet. But this one thing, this one shirt, I couldn't bear to put it up.I didn't hide from or avoid it, though I hid it from everyone else. The one I wore for sleeping, on the nights when I missed her so much that even the fabric that last touched her skin gave me comfort. Her scent, faintly clinging to it, calmed me.

If I told anyone, they'd think it was insanity or an odd form of self torture. But those rituals somehow kept me sane all those nights alone. I sit down on the floor with the shirt in my hand, and hold it to my chest as tears escape from my eyes. If I'm saying goodbye, I can still make a fool out of myself tonight. I pull my shirt over my head, stand up, and put on her shirt, and I pretend this is all a bad dream.


	6. Chapter 6

Maura's point of view.

The next day I'm called into Conference Room B. When I walk in, I look around at five faces, I unexpectedly met Jane's gaze as she glances up at me. Her eyes light on my face, before she turns back to her conversation and waves me in. It doesn't bode well with me.

"Maura. Come in. Please." Jane says smoothly. I inch into the room suddenly deciding I don't want to be here. But I realize at the same time that its too late for those types of decisions. I make my way in and see that she is talking to Harrison.

"Sit, please, Maura." Jane says.

I know in a theoretical sort of way that she is asserting herself. I read that somewhere, the person in control is the one who sets the tone.

Jane quirks an eyebrow. Is that a smirk she is trying to hide? As I sit three sets of eyes settle on me, judgment plain on their faces.

"Great." Harrison says as he stands and walks toward the front of the room. His isn't one of the three.

"Maura, I'll get you some water."

"Um, thank you."

"Maura." Jane begins, looking up and leaning back in her chair. "Let me introduce you around. You know Harrison, of course."

Harrison gives me a nod as he hands me a glass of water. I smile at him. He smiles back sheepishly. Harrison sits back down a few seats away from Jane. Jane doesn't pause for the exchange though the humor in her eyes says she recognizes it.

"This is Judy." She nods to an older woman sitting on her left. "She has been working with the company for five years and has assisted on various accounts. Before us, she worked with many large companies through her impressive employment history. She brings extensive knowledge of their wants and needs artistically. In addition, she still teaches in the field and has her finger on the pulse of art technology. Next to her is Barry."

Barry is a strikingly handsome black guy. He looks at me and nods. He is wearing jeans and a tee shirt and presents utter relaxation in his regard and demeanor. I feel relaxed just looking at him, which is hard to do because everyone is still assessing me.

"Barry is a whiz kid at reaching various audiences and demographics. He has worked with companies such as Apple, Coke, McDonald's and Wal-Mart. You give him a desired pool of people, Barry will give you a way to reach that pool easily and effectively. He has been an underused star in this company until now."

I can see him whirling with ideas as I look at him.

"And last, but certainly not least, is our secret weapon." Jane's eyes turn intense as she peers at a cute, bubbly blond girl. She looks about my age or a little older, has bobbed, stylish hair, giant brown eyes, and is tall and slim.

She looks back at Jane with flirtatious desire and utter confidence. She even bates her eyes! High maintenance, definitely.

"This is Monica." The way Jane says her name, as if it is a comment rather than a name, makes me feel a pang of jealousy before I clamp down on that ridiculous emotion. Utterly absurd!

"Monica is our part time team member. She is our party planning specialist. We are going to need to sidle up to this client without our intentions known. Right now, that is through an independent company that we hope will be bought out. That'll get our foot in the door. If that fails, we'll go for plan B. But Miss Devine will be throwing casual parties that will make communication not only possible, but easy."

Jane smiles and Monica smiles back in a flirty, carefree way as she turns her eyes on me. To be polite, I nod hello as she turns her eyes back to Jane. Jane follows Monica's eyes to me.

"And this is Maura, my wife." I try to concentrate on the rest of the introduction, but can't because I'm trying to ignore Monica as she looks at me with daggers in her eyes.

The rest of the meeting passes by quickly, Jane tells everyone we will receive further information the following day via e-mail, and we are dismissed.

"Maura, stay behind, please." Jane says as everyone else heads toward the door.

I turn back to Jane, who is still sitting in her chair. She is leaning back.

"Sit, please." Long shadows from the afternoon sun plays across Janes strong features, glinting across her eyes.

I organize everything in front of me, in an attempt to avoid Jane's eye. When I have nothing left to move around and she still hasn't said a word, I reach for my glass of water. The silence stretches. Getting awkward.

Finally, defiantly, I meet her eyes.

The silence lengthens as I watch her watching me. The atoms in the room speed up. The electricity crackles.

"We need to clear the air if we're going to work together." Jane finally says with all traces of flirt gone. She is somber and sophisticated. The atoms start racing around even faster.

I nod, not trusting my voice.

"Are you okay?" Jane asks after another lengthy pause in which I cant get thoughts clear enough to say anything.

"What? Oh, I didn't get anything to eat for lunch, and my body doesn't do all that well with no food. No big deal. Uh… let's see…" I try desperately to stay on topic.

Jane jumps up gracefully. "Easily remedied. Come with me."

Without realizing it, I follow her out through the rows of empty conference rooms to the elevator. She pushes the button for my floor. When the doors open, she gestures for me to go ahead of her.

"I didn't bring a lunch, I have to go grab something." I say, not leaving the elevator when the doors open again.

"I figured. Grab your purse and we'll go."

"I have money on me."

"Humor me."

I shrug and head toward my cube, Jane following behind. I notice bored eyes looking up, as usual, but this time they stay up as they see Jane. With me.

At my cube I grab my purse and turn back, coming face to face Jane.

"Oh!" I say as I look up, her mouth mere inches from mine. I can smell the ocean, musk of her body and the fabric softener of her shirt. The heat radiating from her falls around me in waves.

She is so close, I could just lean in and...I flinch backwards. Jane looks down at me, she looks like she might reach out for me.

"I think I made a mistake." I say, backing as far into my cube and away from her as I can go.

"With what?" Jane asks slowly.

"Going to lunch with you."

It looks like it takes Jane a minute to understand my words, but as soon as she does, she takes an immediate step back.

"I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry about that."

"No, it's fine. Seriously, it's not that big a deal, but.."

"No, Maura…" Janes back hits the wall opposite of my cube. She cant get any farther away and still see me. "Look, that was unprofessional just then. That was my fault. We need to talk, and we can do it here where everyone can hear us, or somewhere quiet."

I look around at the many eyes on us and sigh in thought.

"Okay." I look back up at Jane, so serious, hands at her sides, palms pushed against the walls along with her back, flattening herself to be farther away. "Anyway, I need to eat."

"Of course. Shut down your computer and we'll go."

"It's only three thirty. We'll be back, right?"

"Why bother? Shut it down. You're on my schedule now." She says it softly, careful to stay near the far wall.

I shift gears quickly and e-mail in my report. The deadline is five, so if I'm not coming back, I need to send it before I leave. Hopefully my boss isn't mad I'm sending it a couple of hours early.

Just in case, I put in a note explaining in so many words that its all Jane's fault. There are no messages on my phone, so I shut everything down and grab my handbag and jacket. I turn back to Jane, who has a puzzled expression on her face. The expression immediately clears as she steps further away to let me by.

"Why are you worried about sending in your report early?" Jane asks when we are in the elevator.

"What?" How does she know that? I didn't write that in the e-mail. Did she read the bit about it being her fault?

"Sorry, but I couldn't help but hear you muttering. Do you not like turning things in early?" She says as if to answer to my mental freak out.

"Oh, uh, no." What else did I mutter? "Mr. Montgomery doesn't like things before deadline. He's afraid he'll lose them."

Jane is quiet for a minute. "Why doesn't James just turn it in instead of holding onto it?"

I shrug. "Million dollar question. If I wasn't afraid of that scowl of his, I'd ask."

"So you finish your work right on time to keep him happy?"

"No, I finish really early because the deadlines are too long and then hold on to it until the last minute. That report was due by the end of the day. Ordinarily I would wait until four fifty or so. Hopefully he won't be too mad. But I am fully prepared to blame you if he is." There. I admit it.

Jane laughs as we reach the lobby. "Understood"

Once out of the building, I let Jane lead. She has a lunch spot in mind. As we walk Jane doesn't say much, and neither do I. I can't help but notice her walk though. She walks with purposeful, powerful strides, eating up the ground easily with each step. She holds back for me because, though I am normally a fast walker, my heels aren't conducive to sprinting.

When we get to the restaurant, my stomach feels like it is imploding. When we walk in, I realize that it's a Irish pub. The bar is long, covering the entire right side of the restaurant. Aside from a walkway along the bar, the rest of the space has tables and chairs with three booths in the back left corner. At the back of the restaurant is a large kitchen with cooks busily getting orders out.

Instead of sitting at a table, and there are more than a few available, Jane leads me to the far end of the bar. We take two stools and settle in.

"The waitress is completely indifferent." Jane says, folding her hands in front of her patiently. "The bar has much quicker service."

"Why come here if the service is bad?" I ask, looking around.

There are two waitresses in their midthirties moving around the tables. I can't see their indifference by looking at them. In fact, they seem to talk to their patrons as they take orders, asking if everything is alright and moving on. They aren't bustling by any means, but they don't look lazy either. The place is large I can imagine the waitresses having their work cut out for them if the place gets packed.

It isn't pretentious, but it isn't dirty. It fits somewhere between. I feel comfortable here. And judging by how relaxed Jane is, leaning idly against the bar, she is too.

"It isn't that the service is bad." Jane says, looking around. "Just indifferent. Sometimes that means you're left to your own devices a little too long. At the bar you generally get what you need as you need it."

Just as she says this the bartender shows up. She is a middle aged woman with a pleasant, laid-back look.

"What'll you have?" She ask with an Irish accent.

"I'll have a Guinness and a menu, please." Jane looks at me. "Uh, I guess I'll try a Guinness as well, and a menu also. Please."

The bartender nods once, puts some menus within reach, and wanders away, making a joke with a guy down the way. Indifferent makes sense. Polite indifference.

"Have you ever had Guinness?" Jane asks with a bemused grin. She seems calm and relaxed. For the first time, she seems completely, and utterly normal. Human.

Maybe because Charles Hoyt is dead and she doesn't have to be afraid anymore.

"Did you kill Charles Hoyt?" I rush into my question to get my brain back on track.

Before she answers The bartender shows up with our drinks. I belatedly realize I should have looked at the menu.

"Now." The bartender says it in a way that means "there you go" as she puts our drinks in front of us. She leans against the counter casually and asks, "Do you know what you want?"

"I'll have the burger, please. Medium." Jane says. The bartender nods and looks at me.

"Oh, um…" I scan the words quickly, then just pick the first thing that looks halfway decent. "French dip."

The bartender nods again, puts the menus away and heads off.

When the bartender is out of sight, Jane's grin fades. Suddenly everything has changed. Her focus is razor sharp, her mannerisms are fluid but honed, and her eyes prob me with intensity.

"I never touched him, but I know who did." She leans forward on the bar. "Have you ever heard of a man named Paddy Doyle?"


	7. Chapter 7

AN-I know I haven't updated in forever but I've had some personal issues to work on, I don't know how fast I'll be able to keep updating but if you stay with me I promise I will get this finished.

Jane's point of view.

The present.

I stand under the grapevine canopy thats covered with white roses and sheer white fabric with Maura. She's so beautiful, it takes my breath away.

I've always heard people say that, but it literally happens. She's proof of it. My chest is heavy like something is sitting on it. I inhale deeply because I'm so short of breath. My heart is racing and my palms are tingly.

I slowly rub my thumbs back and forth over the top of her hands as the minister speaks. I have no idea what he's saying, all I know is that I love this woman. She's my everything. A splendid mixture of bliss and comfort spreads threw me like a warm blanket on a cold day. Despite everything thats happened in my life, I feel hopeful. Because I know that no matter what the future holds for me, Maura will always be here. And for me, thats enough.

"Maura."

The sound of my own voice wakes me from my dream. My eyelids feel heavy as I try to open them and keep them open, battling against the inviting weight of sleep. Finally, I give in and close my eyes again, a part of me hoping I will drift back into that memory, a memory that seems as vivid as if it happened just yesterday.

But its too late. The dream is gone. I cant return back to that moment in time, back to that moment with her.

I open my eyes, drawing in a long inhale of breath as reality sets in. This isn't how I had envisioned my life. Because she isn't in it, a tiny voice says inside me. Feeling a bit frustrated with myself, I kick off the comforter and walk to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face. Drawing a deep, labored breath, I look into the mirror at myself, another thing I wouldn't do before I meet Maura, and speak to myself as if I am trying to persuade someone off a ledge.

"That's all in the past. You can't change it. You can't. The only thing you can do is move forward. You have a lot to look forward to." I grab a towel and pat off the water from my face. "You're right." I respond back to my reflection and flash a resolute smile. I take a quick shower, dress, grab my keys, and then leave my mother's house. It takes me close to an hour to drive to the cemetery

My dad's funeral was held a week after he passed. It was very much like his life, dark, meager, short lived, and attended by just a few. It was a simple ceremony that lasted no more than fifteen minutes from start to finish. In addition to the dense layers of dark, threatening clouds overhead, my mother, Tommy, Frankie, Maura, and I were in attendance. After the casket was lowered into the ground and we each thrown our handful of dirt onto the casket, our small group headed back to our cars, and that was the end of it. I hadn't returned since.

Standing in front of his grave now, is like a punch in the chest. All the memories I had keep hidden comes crashing back to the forefront of my mind. My mind freezes my fathers pompous expressions enters my head. "Do you know how long I've been waiting to do that?" he asked, after the back of his hand had lashed out and bashed my jaw. I had tasted blood in my mouth, and it had surprised me so much I had fell to the ground. When I peered up at him, he had a look on his face that bordered on happiness.

Shaking the memory away, I return myself to the present. How could I forget what he was really like so quickly?

"Hey." Came a voice from behind me.

I turn to see Patrick Doyle walking towards me.

"Hey." I say.

We stand in silence

"I'm sorry for your loss."

I frown, and turn my head away from him. He doesn't need to see my pain. He wouldn't understand it anyway. No one does. My father's voice booms through my ears as I wallow in the murkiness of my past. There's always a price, Jane. And it's high time you learned that.

"Were you close to him?" I hear Doyle ask.

Almost in a trance, I whisper. "Not really."

As if he senses my reluctance to talk about this he changes the subject.

"Have you spoken to her?"

"I have."

"Did you tell her?"

"I can't Patrick."

"I followed through on my end of the deal now you need to follow through on yours."

I nod, agreeing with him. I know he's right, but I want to wrap her in cotton wool and protect her.

Patrick and I part ways soon afterwards. I have no idea where's he's heading, but know exactly where I'm going. I have to go tell Maura who her biological father is.

I take my time going to her house. I drive five miles under the speed limit. I make wrong turns that take me all over town, all trying to avoid this. But avoidance never last forever.

I pull into her driveway and stare at the house that should be mine, but my mistake ruined it all.

I debate walking in or knocking, and end up knocking. The sound of little feet and Maura obviously trying to get to the door before Theo makes me smile. The door opens and Maura looks at me with surprise and Theo fights Maura's hold to get to me.

I lean down and pick him up. "Hey bud." I say while walking through the door that Maura holds open for me.

It's takes me several minutes to realize there's a third person in the foyer with us. My eyes scan her for several moments, and then my hands grip Theo a little tighter as the pain of this situation grips me. This is a date.

I set Theo down so I won't end up hurting him, and watch him as he runs off to play.

I follow Maura into the kitchen and completely ignore this other woman. My hands grip the countertop so hard I think I might crack it. Fuck. You've got to be kidding me. This is insane. I am so mad at myself I want to put a fist through the kitchen window.

Sensing the tension in the room, Maura's date quickly says goodbye and leaves. Quietness blankets the kitchen. Maura walks over to the microwave, starts it, then says my name. "Jane…I'm.."

"Don't." I say, interrupting her. I don't want to hear an excuse. I don't need one.

I swallow my anger, part of me is desperate to fall on my knees and beg her not to do this, and the other part is anxious to get this over with. I always knew this wouldn't work, didn't I?

"But…"

I walk over to her. I pause well away from her. I just cant be near her right now. Not yet. "You don't owe me an explanation…" I stare at the floor, unable to look at her. "And you definitely don't owe me an apology." I raise my eyes to hers. "So just…don't say anything, please." Sympathetic pain flashes over her face, and tears pricks her eyes.

I feel like I have just been electrocuted, and the residual jolts are still crashing through my body, frying me from the inside. I need her though. She is my greatest pain, and my only salvation. She is the only one who can heal this hole in my heart, a hole she has torn open.

"I'm sorry." She whispers, her voice full of regret and pain, this is hard for her too. She doesn't like to hurt people, intentionally or otherwise.

Her words are simple, but they work. A small band aid of love is placed over the gaping wound of hurt. It doesn't completely heal the void, but it at least keeps me from bleeding out. I exhale a cleansing breath and nod. I can do this. I can love her and let her go, all at the same time...


	8. Chapter 8

Maura's point of view.

The present.

"This was despicable. Did you even read it?" I hear Jane say and look up to spot her speaking to Melody. "When I ask you to copy and edit something, I expect you to do it."

Jans throws the file folder on Melody's desk, almost knocking over Melody's cup of coffee as the pages slam onto the surface. Jane stares at her with a look of anger. "And do it right." She says as she stands back and crosses her arms over her chest.

Everyone else in the office stops their work and looks directly at them. "You keep bragging about your fancy Harvard degree but you lack any ability to use it." Jane pushes the folder closer to Melody as she continues her rant. "Edit this again, and if it isn't perfect, you can find yourself another job." Jane walks away and leaves Melody alone at her desk.

Melody looks at me from her cubicle and I met her gaze. She rolls her eyes then returns to her work at her computer.

I quickly get to my feet and follow Jane. Jane gets on the elevator, and a man presses the elevator button, allowing me to get to her. When I step inside I get my first real look at her since she came to my house the other night. Her lips are stretched tight, like she hasn't slept in days, and her eyes are puffy as if she has rubbed poison ivy all over her face. She runs her hand through her hair when she sees me in the elevator, indicating her awkwardness. I can tell how depressed she is. I've never seen her look worse. The sight breaks my heart.

"Now isn't a good time, Maura." She says weakly. She runs her hands through her hair and I see the despair in her eyes.

Normally, Jane looks calm and collected even when she is in stressful situations. Her shoulders never droop and she always holds herself upright, strong and proud, but now her frame seems broken. Her jaw is tight with unspent tension and her mouth looks tense, not relaxed like it normally is. "I'm not in the mood right now."

When the doors open I take the few steps to her and put my hand on her arm. She looks down at me when I touch her and my breath catches at the look in her eyes. Forcing it back I give her a quick squeeze and then walk out of the elevator.

On my way to Angela's later that day to pick up Theo I decide to pick up some pizza and beer trying to come up with some way to cheer Jane up. When I get to Angela's door I ring the door bell, Jane opens the door a few seconds later I ignore her obvious despair and try to act normal. I push the door open and walk in, placing the pizza and beer in the living room. Jane sighs as she shuts the door behind me.

"The game is starting in a few minutes." I say as I open a bottle of beer, and give it to her. She holds it in her hand but doesn't drink from it. That act alone tells me exactly how she is feeling. Jane would never let a fresh beer go to waste. I turn on the television, Jane doesn't argue and takes the seat next to me on the couch. She finally takes a drink of her beer, but doesn't speak.

She watches the game for a few hours while I keep up with Theo and Angela and I talk, Jane doesn't say anything. I didn't really expect her to. After the first few innings, Theo falls asleep on the couch, and Jane starts to relax when she starts trying to yell at the screen only to whisper when she sees that Theo is asleep.

After the game Jane disappears into the kitchen, while Angela and I continue our conversation. When she doesn't come back I finally follow her.

She's standing at the sink her back to me.

"Jane." I say softly.

She pauses and looks back at me, her brown eyes sad. She turns to face me and then runs a hand along her jaw. Insanely curious over what is making her so uncomfortable, and a little worried I hesitantly ask.

"Is this about the other night?"

Shifting back and forth, she wipes her palms on her jeans, like she is nervous. Finally she sighs and shakes her head.

"Have you ever thought about your biological parents?"

She says it so quietly that it takes me a moment to register the words.

I frown. "There's times I'd like to find out where I came from, see how I resemble my biological parents."

"What if they're really bad people, look what they did to you. They left you. They took off and abandoned you." Her jaw clenching she continues. "What if they are like my father...like me." Her voice cracks, and I step to her.

I run my hands to her jaw. The strong muscles there are still clamped tight as Jane looks anywhere but directly at me.

"You're not a bad person, Jane. You.."

She cuts me off. "I'm no angel either, Maura…And you have no idea what I'm capable of." She finishes quietly, eyeing me warily.

I don't know what she means by that, but I refuse to believe it. "You are nothing like your father, and if my biological parents are anything like him I don't want to know them."

She watches me with a torn look on her face, and then she pulls me to her chest in a tight embrace. I throw my arms around her neck and for just a moment, let myself believe that its a year ago and we are giving one another a moment's comfort. But…it isn't.

She takes a hand and brushes aside a tear on one side of my face, and then the other. I hadn't even realized I was crying. Then she cups my face, stroking my cheek with her thumb.

Its such a tender gesture that my heart speeds,I close my eyes and more tears drop to my cheeks. Her lips brush mine softly. I half sob and pull her harder against me. This is so different, soft and tender, in a way its never been before. It terrifies and thrills me. Her thumb continues to stroke my cheek softly.

She kisses me tenderly for a minute more, then sighing, she pulls away. She moves her hand from my cheek and runs her fingers through my hair and down my back. She pulls me close to her again, almost touching my lips. "I still want you." She growls intensely, then her voice softens, and she pulls away again. "But not like this." She says it wistfully, her eyes looking even more tired.

"This." She runs a finger down my lips lightly, as more tears fall on my cheeks. "...is over." She exhales heavily, her own eyes glistening. She drops her hand from my lips and swallows.

Then, smiling sadly, she turns to leave. She stops and pauses at the doorway, turning to face me again. She looks down and taps the doorway with her hand a couple times, and then nodding her head, she looks back up at my face. "I'll make this right. It will be like it should be."

Then she turns and leaves. I watch her leave, confused. Make what right?


	9. Chapter 9

Maura's point of view.

The present.

When I arrive at the office, I jump in head first and don't come up for air until lunch. Having brought a sandwich with me, I don't stop to eat. I'm happy to have the stability and distraction of work after everything that's happened recently. There's been an awkward tension between Jane and I, even our talks have done little to relieve anything. It's like there's this distance, even when we don't have an inch of space between us.

When the day is done, I retrieve my things from my desk, and head for the elevators. While I'm taking it down, I check my phone for missed calls and texts. There's a message from Susan, Jane's secretary.

Let's have drinks tonight.

Since it's Friday and Jane has Theo I text back I could certainly use one.

She sends me the name and address of the upscale bar, and I'm there fifteen minutes later. She's seated at a table, a drink already waiting for me. When I catch her attention and smile, she returns one, but it's flat.

"Hey." I greet her, when I get to the table. I take a seat and set my purse on the chair beside me.

"You look well." She says.

"So do you." I say, before taking a palette cleansing sip of my drink. It's an old, expensive Wine. Amongst a number of other things, Jane taught me the importance of knowing the difference of.

"How are things between you two?" She asks, as if she can sense where my mind had wondered to.

"It's never boring." I chuckle, but it's hollow.

"You're not kidding." She mutters into her glass before tilting it back to let the contents slide down her throat. Able to nurse a glass forever, it's out of the ordinary that she polished off her drink in the first three minutes of my arrival. Something's up. She catches the attention of a server passing by, holding up the empty glass, the melting cubes of ice clinking against the sides. Once the young man takes it from her, she looks back to me, the corners of her mouth plummeting.

"There's a reason I asked you here."

"So, this isn't exactly a social visit."

"No, and I'm not going to dance around this because I love you, and you have a right to know before everything hits the fan."

I tense. With everything that has happened this past year, this could be anything. I clutch my hand to my knee to keep my leg from shaking under the table.

"Well?" I ask when she doesn't continue.

"I've heard rumors floating around about Jane."

"What kind of rumors?" My face distorts, my stomach doing the same.

"The kind of rumors that could ruin her reputation." She takes a deep breath, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear. "This is harder than I thought it would be." I reach across the table and take her hand in mine.

"You can tell me anything, Susan."

"They're mostly about her dealings with Patrick Doyle the Irish mob boss."

My forehead crinkles at the mention of Doyle.

"She's already told me about him."

"Did she tell you everything?" I release her hand and slump back back in my seat.

"Jane tells me what she thinks I need to know and leaves out the rest, I know he had something to do with Charles Hoyt's murder."

"There's more."

"How much more?"

"I think you should ask Jane."

"Jane won't tell me anything."

I notice her eyes keep drifting over my shoulder.

"Speaking of Jane, I think she's having you followed."

"What are you…" I start to turn to look over my shoulder, but she tugs on my hand to stop me.

"Don't look." She scolds. "He arrived just after you, took a seat toward the front. He's wearing a black suit. He reminds me of Harrison."

"He might simply be a man who came to have a drink or meal after work."

"Yeah, except he hasn't ordered anything, and this isn't the first time I've seen him."

"You've seen him before?"

"Last time we got together."

Last time we were together was a month ago when I helped Susan buy a new sofa for her apartment.

"I can't believe she would have me followed."

"Really? You can't believe Jane Ms. Overprotective, would have you followed? Besides, it's probably more or less for protection in case anything goes down rather than spying."

Spying. Like a needle, the word shoots white hot rage into my veins.

"She keeps things from me and then has me tracked, whether it's for my safety or not, she has no right to have me surveyed without my knowledge. It's a gross violation of my privacy."

I grab my purse and stand.

"Where are you going?" She asks.

"To get answers from Jane." I say as I walk away.

I calmly walk into Angela's house in case Theo is asleep and find Angela and Jane in the living room. Angela watching her favorite cooking show and Jane on her laptop.

Jane looks up, probably to tell me that Theo is asleep but I cut in.

"How could you have me followed?" I ask, coming right out with it.

Angela quietly excuses herself as Jane answeres.

"I wouldn't call Harrison driving you around on occasions following."

"I'm not talking about Harrison and you know it."

"Then I'm completely lost, Maura."

"Don't play ignorant, Jane. Susan saw him when we were having drinks. And when we went to purchase furniture for her place. Where else has he trailed me?"

The shock turns to an emotion I don't see often on her face…fear.

"Maura, I'm not having anyone follow you."

"You're not? Really? Honestly?"

"No, I'm not. What did this man look like?"

"I didn't get a look at him. Susan described him to me because she was already facing him. She said he reminded her of Harrison." I pause when I see the color drain from her face. "It's Patrick Doyle, isn't it?"

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't have to. I know I hit the nail right on the head.

"Where's Theo?" I ask another worry running through my head.

"Up stairs asleep."

When I turn towards the stairs Jane rises from her chair, and walks over to me. She clasps her hands to my arms. "What are you doing?" She says gently, her heart bared in her voice.

"I'm going to take my son home where I know he's safe."

"Maura he's ok, you don't have.."

"If you tell me I shouldn't worry, so help me god, Jane, I will scream bloody murder."

She sighs, her eyes closing and her face dipping. "He won't hurt you or Theo."

"How can you be so sure Jane?"

"Because he's your father.."


	10. Chapter 10

**Maura's point of view.**

 **6 months ago.**

My front door opens, and I open my eyes. Angela is standing there with bags in her hands, she sets the bags down and comes to the couch. "I heard you were sick." She says as she sits next to me.

I have a coughing attack and cover my mouth.

Concern comes into her eyes. "You look terrible, Maura."

"Thanks." I say sarcastically, something I learned from Jane.

She puts her hand on my forehead.

"You're scorching hot."

I cough again.

She goes to my counter then sorts out the bags she brought. "I got cough medicine, crackers, soda pop, Nyquil, and everything else you could possibly need."

"Thanks. Now go before you get sick."

She comes back to me then feels my forehead again. "No. You're too unwell. I can't leave you."

"What? Don't be ridiculous, Angela. You don't have to get sick too."

"That's not important."

"You're so sweet…But you really should go before you get sick."

"Don't waste your energy arguing with me. I'm not leaving." Firmness is in her voice. She rests her hand on my neck. "Open your mouth."

"What? Why?"

"Let me look at the back of your throat."

Oh. I open my mouth and she stares inside.

"You're definitely sick."

She feels my forehead again. "You're so hot, Maura." She sighs. "Does it hurt when you cough?"

"Yes. A lot."

"Have you been able to keep anything down?"

"No…"

She looks at my skin then pinches it.

"Ow!"

"I was checking to see if you're dehydrated."

"Am I?"

"Maura, I think we should go to the hospital."

"Don't be ridiculous. It's just a cold, pulse Frankie will be bringing Theo back soon." I cough again, feeling it deep in my lungs.

"I've already talked to Frankie, he said he would keep him overnight. I really think you have pneumonia."

"What? No. I really need Theo here with me, and I don't want to go to the hospital for a cold."

"Theo will be fine with Frankie, and you need to go."

"He's already lost one parent Angela, I don't want him to think I've disappeared too." I say, trying to keep my voice even. "I just don't need to go. I'll stay home and feel better in a few days."

"Oh, Maura." She puts her hand on my chest and feels it rise and fall.

She stands and then disappears up the stairs.

"What are you doing?" I yell. A coughing attack strikes me and I grip my chest while I try to get through it.

"Sorry, I can't hear you when your lungs are trying to get rid of the bacteria living in them." She yells back.

She comes back with an outfit.

"Change into this and we'll go."

"I'm not going."

She grabs my forearm and gives me the death stare.

"You. Are. Going." She has never been this aggressive with me. "Get dressed." She pulls the blanket down, exposing me in Jane's sweats and Red Sox t-shirt.

Her expression softens.

"They're comfortable." I say, once my recent coughing fit subsides.

She sits down next to me again, rubbing my arm like I do with Theo when he's sick. Angela has always been more a mother to me than my own.

"Do you want to risk giving whatever you have to Theo?" She asks.

She has me there, she doesn't have to say anything more to get me to go.

When we leave my house Angela helps me into the passenger seat of her car. She buckles me in and checks the safety belt before she drives to the hospital.

Angela checks me in at the front desk, and we don't wait long until I'm called back. I lay on their emergency room bed, and try to get comfortable, but the coughing wont stop. There isn't a tickle in the back of my throat, it's like an explosion every time.

Angela sits at my bedside.

"Will you text Frankie and make sure Theo is ok?"

She eyes me. "Theo is fine, let's worry about you right now."

"Please Angela."

She raises an eyebrow. "Ok." She says, and pulls out her cell phone.

The nurse comes in as Angela text's Frankie. She takes a sample of my blood, and then leaves. I hate hospitals. They say they're clean but I know they are not. I hate lying in a bed that so many other people have laid in before me. It makes my skin itch.

Angela lets me know that Theo is fine, and I'm able to fall asleep while waiting.

Angela wakes me up when my doctor comes in.

"Mrs. Rizzoli?"

"Yes?" My voice is raspy.

"The blood work confirms you have pneumonia. I'm giving you antibiotics and it should clear it up quickly."

"Can I go home?" I blurt.

"We're going to keep you overnight for observation. You can go in the morning."

"Thank you."

She nods then leaves the room.

When I get settled into a room upstairs, Angela gives me a smirk.

"Look who was right."

"It was just a lucky guess."

"Guess? No, I made that decision based on evidence. It was pretty obvious you didn't just have a cold."

"You're right." I say. "Now I guess you can go home."

I don't want her to go, but what is she going to do while I lay here in this bed?

"I'm not leaving, Maura. I'll be here all night. Then I'll take you home in the morning."

I cant help but feel relieved. "Thank you."

"Sure. Now get some sleep."

"Are you going to sit in that chair all night?"

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"It can't be comfortable…"

"It is. Now sleep."

I close my eyes then and allow myself to fall asleep.

I'm awoken later to hushed voices, it takes me a minute to remember where I'm at and why. I must be in a fever induced hallucination because I swear I can hear Jane arguing with Angela.

"I can't Ma." I hear Jane say in whisper.

"You can't just leave them like this, this is your family."

"But I can't put them in danger either, Hoyt is out there Ma, and I know what he's capable of."

I keep my eyes closed afraid any type of move will end this hallucination. I want to keep listening to her voice as long as possible.

"What are you planning?" Angela asks.

"Someone's helping me, someone who wants to keep Maura and Theo as safe as I do."

I can't stop the coughing fit that starts in me, and I hear Angela scoot her chair closer to me and feel her hand grab mine. Her thumb moves over my knuckles gently, soothing me. But it doesn't feel like Angela's hands, it's Jane. I'm still hallucinating. I keep coughing but I open my eyes hoping it won't break the hallucination, Jane stares at me, her hand still caressing mine. I move to the edge of the bed, as close to her as I can get. The IV in my arm hinders most of my movement, but I want to be as close to her as possible. She makes me feel better.

I hold her hand close to my chest, snuggling with it.

I close my eyes and try to breathe without hurting my chest.

Her other hand lightly touches my head. Then she moves her fingers through my strands of hair, soothing me quietly.

Feeling her touch me is what I need even if it's just an hallucination. Jane always makes me feel better even when I feel absolutely horrible.

"Lay with me." I whisper. I know I probably won't get an answer, but I don't care.

I hear her sigh then the sound of her moving. Then she lays beside me, pulling the covers over both of us. I snuggle into her side and rest my head on her chest. We fit together perfectly. Her hand moves through the strands of my hair again, relaxing me with every touch. I have to move my arm a certain way because of my IV, but other than that, I am comfortable.

I inhale her scent while we lay together, enjoying the sound of her breathing. I was freezing before she joined me under the covers, but now I am baking. She is my personal heater, keeping me warm despite the chill.

Jane calms me enough to let me almost fall asleep, before they start talking again.

"Who is this person?" I hear Angela ask.

"Her biological father." Jane whispers back.

Sleep finally overcomes me and I don't remember anything else.

 **The present.**

 **Jane's point of view.**

"Because he's your father." I say.

I watch Maura's face, and I feel like each moment that passes causes a crack to appear in an already fragile glass that's barely holding itself together. I hate all of this, the secrets and lies. I was wrong to think that I could handle this on my own, that I could make this work. Right now it seems like nothing is okay, so many conflicting emotions are coursing through me, battling with each other, I just want to shove it all away, numb all my feelings. I hoped coming back home would provide some form of normalcy, some form of comfort, but right now it feels constricting, like I'm trapped.

 _"_ _Now why'd you do that for?" Hoyts voice echoes in my head._

My vision hazes, the lights in the room suddenly seem to bright but through the disorientation, I see Hoyt. His mouth twisted in displeasure.

 _"_ _Why do you always make things so difficult, Janie?"_

A wave of agony hits me so intensely that the room spins around me in a sickening swirl.

I try not to react, but it's impossible. The nauseating sensations I've been trying to forget for the past several years are all there. My head begins to throb with remembered agony. I attempt to suck in air through a suddenly constricted throat.

"Jane?" Fingers close around my wrist, through the panicked haze veiling my vision, I see my maura's face in front of me. She's gripping me tightly. "Jane, can you hear me?"

I manage to nod, my tongue coming out to wet my lips. My mouth is dry with fear, my hands clenching in a fist. A part of me knows that my mind is playing tricks on me, that this extreme anxiety is unfounded, but my body is reacting as if the threat is real.

"Breathe, baby." Maura's voice is soothing. "Breathe slowly, deeply... There you go..."

I do as she says, keeping my eyes on her face as I take deep breaths to manage my panic. After a minute, my heartbeat slows, and my hands uncurl. I'm still shaking, but the suffocating fear is gone.

"It's okay." She murmurs, stroking my arm. "You're okay..."

My body, coiled for combat, relaxes slightly. There's no danger, Hoyt's dead.

"I'm okay." I say, my breathing is beginning to return to normal. My voice, however, still holds echoes of horrors from my panic haze.

Feeling embarrassed, I wrap my fingers around her palm and pull her hand away. "I'm okay." I manage to say again in a relatively steady voice. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me."

She stares at me, her eye glittering, and I see a mixture of rage and frustration in her gaze.

"You're not okay, Jane." She says harshly. "You're anything but okay."

She's right. I don't want to admit it, but she's right. I haven't been okay since I left her.

"I'm fine." I say.

"Fine?" Her eyebrows snap together.

I swallow and look down at the floor. I hate the fact that I can't just brush this stuff off, I'm weak, and I hate it.

I feel her move away from me, and I took up. "What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm taking my son home."

I sigh and look up at the ceiling then back at Maura. "You don't have to do that Maura." I say with forced patience.

"It's the right thing to do, I am so angry at you right now, for the secrets, for keeping the identity of my biological father from me, for leaving, for everything you make me feel."

Feeling stubborn, I glare at her.

"It's my decision to make Jane, or did you forget I have full custody of him, because you decided to up and disappeared."

I run my hands through my hair, and swallow roughly glaring at Maura. "You...Are." I immediately shut my mouth before I say something I shouldn't, hitting the door behind me angrily.

Maura flinches, but says nothing.

 _"_ _See Janie, always messing something up."_

I close my eyes, the room spinning again. Putting my hands over my face I then run them through my hair leaving them tangled there for several minutes, until my breathing is controlled and I know it's just Maura and I, and I let my arms fall to my sides.

"Why do you always keep things from me? Tell me that. You torment me with all these secrets..." Her voice cracks with anger.

"Torment you? You're the one who…" I stop talking again and look away from Maura again.

"The one who what?"

"Do you really want to know what I'm thinking right now?" I takes a step towards her, and she involuntarily takes a step back. "I'm thinking…that I...should take Theo." Her face pales, as I take another angry step to stand right in front of her. "Do you really want him to see the whore you really-"

"Jane!" My mothers voice stops the words coming out of my mouth, and I realize what I've done.

"Damn it!" I suddenly say, and Maura flinches away from me. "I'm sorry, Maura. I shouldn't have said that to you. None of that should have happened." I say quietly.

 _"_ _You are not good enough for her."_ My fathers voice crackles with glee. God what is wrong with me?

Looking back at Maura I see the tears streaming down her cheeks. Expecting her to push me away, I gently brush the tears on her cheeks away, she doesn't push me away, she pulls me tighter. Cupping her face, I stroke her cheek with my thumb. I pour every ounce of love I feel into it. Without having to say it, I want her to know I love you, more than anything.

She closes her eyes and more tears squeeze out. It's so hard seeing her in pain, even harder to know I am the source of them, she said so herself. I run my hands in her hair and then drop my hands and keep them rigid at my side. Determination fill me as I swallow a lump of pain in my throat.

"I'm sorry." I say again


	11. Chapter 11

**AN-I planned to have to this out a lot sooner, but when I went to post it I deleted the whole thing and had to redo it. The first part of this seems like a huge time jump, but it's actually something that should have been put in beautiful stranger but never found its spot, there will probably be a lot more of what I call the outtakes of beautiful stranger in this one. There's some parts of the first part that I just couldn't get exactly right and after messing with it for days I just left it be, so I apologize if it doesn't come out the way I wanted it to.**

 **4 years ago.**

 **Maura's point of view.**

"Your fathers gonna hate me." Jane says as we sit in my parents living room preparing to tell them that we are going to have a baby.

"He might be angry, but he won't hate you."

"Of course he's going to hate me and might be angry is the.."

"Alright." I snap. "I was trying to help and calm your nerves, but fine, he's going to be really mad. Happy?"

She throws her hands up. "No!" She stands up. "This is going to go badly. He was angry when he found out I was dating you how is he going to feel when he finds out I also got you pregnant?"

"He got over that Jane, he's genuinely happy for us."

"I don't regret what has happened with you I have never wanted anything as strongly as I want you, but I should have spoke to Your father about it way before any of this."

"Why have you pacing?" I ask.

"Are you kidding? I'm about to tell your father I knocked up his daughter!"

"We did this. You didn't do anything on your own."

She points at me. "Let's open with that."

The front door opens.

"Maura?" My father calls out.

"In the living room." I call out.

He walks in and spots Jane. "Jane, how's it going?"

"Good. Look, there's something we need to talk to you about."

He looks at me, and I stand up.

"You okay?"

"Yes, fine." I reply

His attention turns to Jane, frowning. "What do you both need to talk to me about?"

"Maura's pregnant." She blurts.

I glare at her. We discussed that we were going to explain a little better than that. Blurting it out is stupid, but there is no easy way of softening a punch like this. It just needs to be out there.

He blinks heavily. "I'm sorry, you're what?"

Jane wraps her arm around me, and I lean into her.

"I'm pregnant." I repeat.

He looks between us for a long time, and I have no idea what is going through his head. Different ways to castrate Jane, probably. The down fall of him knowing certain things about her.

"You slept with my daughter."

"Yes."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He growls.

"Hey!" I shout. "Don't blame her for something I entered into willingly. We are having a baby together, and we're both happy about it."

He shoves his hands through his hair. "I had no idea you had completely lost it. You're not in the right place to have a kid." He tells Jane.

"I've been in a place to have a kid for a long time."

What about Maura?"

"What about her?"

He clenches his jaw. "You've screwed her life up and you.."

"Hey!" I say again. "She hasn't screwed anything up and when are you going to open your eyes and realize I'm not some helpless child? I've been living away from home for the last three years. I'm a grown adult."

"Are you grown up enough to have a baby?" He asks, almost sneering.

"Is anyone ever one hundred per cent ready? I'm going to be fine. I'm not doing this on my own."

"I get why you're worried. I haven't exactly been the most stable person with all this stuff with Hoyt but I would never walk out and leave Maura to do this by herself."

Our car ride home from my parents house after defusing the situation is quiet, but there is a tension that you can feel, Jane's nervous, but trying to hide it. She keeps squeezing her wrist and hums along to the music which are obvious signs of her nervousness.

"lyricist Rodger Penzabene hoped to get his wife back after writing this." Jane says to break the silence.

"Did he?"

"No, he committed suicide in 1967 a week after the follow up song was released."

I turn the music down. "Are you ok?" I ask, studying her.

She pulls the car over and puts it in park, she doesn't speak for several minutes, but I can feel her eyes on me and that makes things worse.

"What if your father is right Maura?" She finally says.

"Right about what?"

"Screwing up your life."

"He's not right, Jane."

Her hands slide up and across my stomach, and her lips make their way to the crook of my neck. She rests her head there and squeezes me tightly. I'm feeling unsure, but it doesn't stop me from crossing my arms around her body to hold on to her. When I feel her body starting to tremble and her grip lessens on me, I turn and see tears coming from her eyes. I grab onto her and hold her, I use all of my strength to hold her up as her cries shake us both.

"I'm so sorry." She painfully says, her sorrow rocking us both.

"Please don't apologize." I tell her and cradle her head against me, as she keeps repeating how sorry she is. I rub her back and hold her as close as I can.

"We're going to be ok. I promise you." I can feel her sorrow, her pain, her regret, and her helplessness. I've never seen her like this. She's hardly shown me any weakness, but I'm so grateful that she is opening up to me instead of running, instead of hiding it. I vow to myself for every moment she's weak that I will be strong. We will get through this.

 **The present.**

 **Jane's point of view.**

My phone wakes me up, its text notification interrupting a dream I was having about my father. Out of my brothers and I, I remember the most about our life before. Our mom and dad, I remember our life being good when our father was stable, or more stable than the times he wasn't. I remember feeling love at some points. I grab my phone, sleep in my eyes I look at the phone and see that it's Maura my head lands heavily back on the pillow. I want to close my eyes and wrap myself back in my dream, it was warm and safe but strange, and I hate as each second passes it escapes me, and I mourn the loss. The phone vibrates again. Maura is persistent. We've only spoken briefly this week through text, each time I've tried to apologize for my actions she's cut me off and mentions something about work or Theo, I just wish I knew what to say to her. I don't know how to comfort her and I hate it. If I'm honest with myself I feel guilty. Guilty about the things I said, the things I've done. I feel a stab of guilt when I want to be near her. It's crazy and starting to drive me insane. I've kept my distance while being as close to her as I can and it's ridiculous.

I climb out of bed and head downstairs.

"Well, good morning sunshine." I freeze seeing Ma holding Theo with a look on her face that's between pissed and smug. I've been avoiding her all week.

Theo beams causing me to break into a smile. I take Theo's hand and kiss it. He's the best thing I have ever done. To see so much of myself in him is still so surreal, to see a bigger purpose is a reminder for me to be a better person.

"Morning." I say, to my mother trying to put some enthusiasm into my tone.

"Wow, no it's so good to see you? I've missed you?" she says sarcastically. I let out a sigh and know that I'm going to have to put on my battle armor even though I don't know if I can stand with it on.

"I am, Ma. It's just been a very long week."

I say, and flop on the couch knowing what's coming. She sits Theo down whose attention is caught on cartoons. "I'm sorry that we haven't been able to talk." I tell her sincerely, but my voice is already exhausted from the conversation that's about to follow, so my apology comes off as dry and nonchalant.

"You're sorry." Her voice is already high and raised, full of indignation. "Jane, your marriage is on the rocks." She screeches, and I swallow hard.

"At least Maura is still talking to me after what you've done." She cries.

I shake my head. "You and Maura are best friends now, huh?" I ask a little jealous and hoping to lead off this subject.

"Don't you dare try to change the subject."

"I don't know what Maura's told you, but I've tried to apologize for what I said." I tell her defensively.

"She's told me quite a lot, but I'd love to hear it from you." She says, and I put my head in my hands. When I don't answer right away, she begins to lay out fact after fact, detail after detail and she knows pretty much everything that's happened including Maura's date I walked in on.

"Well, it doesn't seem like there's much for me to say because you know it all already."

She walks over in front of me and leans down, so we're at eye level. "I love Maura and my grandson, Jane." Ma says looking me directly in the eye. I can sense her worry, her restraint, the pain she's dealt with being interconnected to all of this. I wonder how many sleepless nights she's had, how many prayers she's said. I don't know if she hears her own plea, the one that's really unspoken, hidden under the anger at the surface, she just wants the pain to stop, a break from the underlying worry. I understand Ma, I've been in her place all of these years through the tug of war. "Are you ever going to be well?" She continues her words coming out sharp.

I stand and walk to the other side of the room. I know she only wants the best for us. I know she's worried but God doesn't she know I'm worried enough, stressed to the max, and I'm holding on to my hope by loose threads and she's not helping.

"This is why I don't talk to you." My voice is quiet and weak now. I shake my head. "I know that you're worried and that you only say what you do because you care, but I am trying my best to deal with this. It's hard, really hard. Can you just put yourself in my place for a moment? With all that you know that's happened, can you think of how I feel?" Her face soften. "Anything you have thought, I've thought it over a million times. I am already worried, I am already stressed, I am scared out of my mind that life will always be hard, and peace and easiness will never be a part of how we live. I am terrified of that, but I still have hope. If I don't have anything else, I have hope and I can't allow you or anyone else to take that away from me because if I lose that, I'm going to be in an asylum and that won't be good for anyone. So please, I ask you, I am begging you to just support me. Please don't make things worse." Her lips press together tightly, and she lets out a frustrated sigh but nods, and just like that, it's as if she's accepts everything. Well accept may be the wrong word. She's going to tolerate all of this.

She heads to the kitchen and starts pouring coffee for us.

"How is she?" I ask Ma casually, when she comes back with the coffee.

"Maybe you should ask her, Jane." She says simply.

"It's not that easy. She doesn't really want to be around me." I admit. "She probably thinks things are better this way." I say quietly.

"How do you feel about that?" Her brown eyes seem to see through me. She puts her hand on mine, and I say what I've wanted to say since the night I left Maura.

"Terrible." I admit.

We let the conversation about Maura go, and cook breakfast for Theo and later in the day I sit in the floor and get out paints and paper to keep him entertained while waiting for Maura to pick him up.

"Red and blue." I tell Theo as he squishes his hands in the paint. He giggles after he mixes the colors together. "Already a little artist." I kiss him on the cheek.

I let him busy himself with his own artistic masterpiece and put more paint on my fingers and spread them across the large board. He douses his hand in orange paint now and makes little dots then pushes away the little bowl and pours out all the blue onto the board.

"Beautiful! You really like blue, huh?" I laugh as he smiles and it's the best feeling in the world. His eyes lighting up look just like Maura's, and a slither of sadness goes through me.

"Mama." He squeals hitting the paper before swirling his fingers around in it. I turn and see Maura watching him.

"Look at my little Picasso." Maura says excitedly. Theo pushes himself up and walks over to her.

"No you're going to get paint all over mama, doodle." I tell him but Maura picks him up and kisses his cheek.

"That's the most amazing picture I've ever seen!" Maura says enthusiastically and Theo grips her face leaving a blue handprint on it and giggles.

"I'll go wash him up so you guys can be on your way." Ma says, taking Theo out of Maura's arms and walking upstairs with him.

Maura looks after her, I know that look, the one that begs for someone to help them.

" _Please_ _help me, Mommy," I whisper as I feel him shift above me and every single part of my body feels like it's ripping in two. He covers my mouth with his hand roughly, and tears slip from my eyes. Where is she? Why doesn't she come get me? I feel like I'm_ _dying on the inside_ ** _,_** _Although part of me wishes I were dying on the outside too._

 _"_ _Help me..."_

I shake that thought away.

"Hey." It's simple and sounds pathetic to my own ears but it's all I can muster with my heart galloping as it is. Is this our world now? Are fights, angriness, bitterness and hatred the only things to look forward to? "Do you want some clothes to change into?" I ask, while starting to clean our mess.

"No, I'll change when I get home."

I nod, there's an awkward stretch of silence that lies between us. She stands there, not moving but looking blankly at the wall. I don't know what to say to her, nothing that will make this better. I want to ask her if telling her all of the secrets and lies were worth it, but I know that won't make things better for anyone. Another slither of sadness goes through me. The last time she was this way with me was when we first met. It seems so long ago I think to myself as my mind travels back through time, back to when I first met her, back when everything was nothing. God, she was and still is incredibly gorgeous in more ways than most people will ever know. As stupid and as cheesy as it may sound, even from the beginning she has always perpetually owned my fucking soul, or the pieces of it that are left, anyway.

"We've always been able to talk Maura." I say, wiping my hands on a rag. "I know that lately we've fought more then talked, and I'm sorry for that." I turn my head and see her close her eyes. A single tear slides down her face. "After that night in the car when I broke down after telling your parents about Theo, I thought we could discuss anything. That was my lowest point, up until now, and you were there." I walk to her and place my hand over hers, she finally looks up at me. "I guess what I'm trying to say is this is my reason to get my life together. I don't want to be a mess anymore. I want you and Theo to be able to rely on me. I promise you I'll be that person, Maura. I won't let either of you down, no matter what is it you want. If you want to raise our child together and that be it that's what we'll do, but you have to make that decision. I can't and I won't be the one to do it, and it scares the shit out of me, because that might be exactly what you need."

She turns her hand over in mine and holds my hand in her own, I don't know how she does it. How I can be feeling so shitty one minute, and then she does something as simple as this and for a second the pain is gone.

"We're going to be ok, Jane."

 **AN number 2- in case anyone was wondering the story about lyricist Rodger Penzabene is true, and the song is I wish it would rain by the temptations. I was listening to that while writing that part, and that information found its way in there. Lol**


	12. Chapter 12

**3 years ago.**

 **Maura's point of view.**

I'm startled awake by a shrill cry. I glance at the clock glowing in the darkness. 3:17 a.m. The ear piercing shriek happens again, and Jane stirs, muttering profanities in her sleepy state. I place my hand on her back.

"Stay. I've got it."

No protest. Only a relieved sigh as she rests her head back on the pillow. I pad down the hallway, bleary and barefoot, following the source of the disturbance. Flicking on the small, lamb lamp, I meet the culprit's awake eyes and gummy smile. He screams again, in excitement this time as I approach him.

I hoist Theo up out of his crib, and sit in the blue and white striped glider with my wiggly six month old climbing up my chest. He just wants to be held. Always wants to be held.

I stare down at his adorable, chubby face as he stares up. "Face just like your mommy with insomnia to match. She never used to sleep, either." I rock a little harder, whispering to him." But she wanted you. She wanted you so much." He chortles as I nuzzle his little neck. "She didn't think she deserved you. Or me or love or happiness. But I set her straight." I smile haughtily to myself, recalling the past. Recalling my wife and her strength despite all her struggles.

Theo fights falling asleep, breathing hard, squirming to stay awake. "You're not going to miss anything, baby." I hum in his ear, coaxing him to relax.

I rest my head on the back of the chair and close my eyes, hoping the smooth glide and my steady breathing will soothe the beast.

No such luck. I add a lulling tone.

"What story shall I tell you tonight? I rock and rub his little butt, littered with dinosaurs on the onesie pajamas from Angela.

"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess," I start. "Who defeated her demons like a knight in shining armor..."

 **The present.**

 **Jane's point of view.**

"It's good to see you, Jane." Dr. Ashlyn says as she saunters into her office. It's different from the one I used to see her in. This one is bigger, more modern, large picture windows overlooking the backdrop of the city.

"I wish I could say the same thing." I tell her adjusting my position in the chair I'm in. It's more like a sofa than a chair, and it's too comfortable. Maybe it's here to make you think you're having a simple conversation with a friend than a visit with a doctor.

"I can imagine I'm not on the list of your first people to see." She doesn't look the least bit offended by my statement. She settles into the chair behind her desk. I remember her other desk being bigger, there was more of a separation between us.

"How are you and Maura doing?"

"I don't know." I tell her tightly.

"Have the two of you spoke since you.."

"Called her a whore? We have, she texted me this morning, said she wanted to go eat somewhere just the two of us tonight to talk. I'm afraid she's going to tell me she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I told her I'd do whatever she wants to do. I think I made a mistake because she might not want me and I don't know if I can live with that decision. I can't live without her, I don't know how. The last two weeks of no word from her has been hell, pure hell. The memory of her is imprinted within me, and I don't know how to eradicate it, I feel I might lose too much of my soul if I excised it. The memories follow me into sleep. The memories are waiting for me when I wake up, but Maura can save me. I have to believe it, have to believe in her." My voice is panicked, and I've revealed more of what's inside of me than I originally intended, but Dr. Ashlyn looks on calm and collected, not the least bit surprised or rattled by the things I've told her. It actually feels good to say out loud what I've been holding in. "I thought that after everything that's happened, with all the secrets being out…" I chuckle at my foolishness. "I just thought it would fix everything and it hasn't, and now it makes me wonder if there will ever be a fix." I admit.

After my therapy session I head to my mothers house to get ready for dinner with Maura. The whole time I feel anxious, and worried. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't want me.

I try to take my mind off Maura with spending time with Theo, but I end up pacing the living room until the front door opens, my anxiety rises until Korsak steps into the living room, but the look in his eyes intensifies it.

"Jane." He starts. "I need to talk to you about Charles Hoyt."

My mother gasps at the sound of his name. My gut tightens, my jaw clenches, and shooting pain radiates from the center of my chest.

"Is everything ok?" All three of us turn and see Maura standing at the door of the living room, and for the first time in my life, I don't have anything to say. She looks like an angel, a white dress snaking around her body, a simple diamond necklace rests on her neck, her hair swept on top of her head showcasing the length of her neck. She's beautiful.

"You look beautiful, sweetheart." Ma is standing and walks to meet her at the door. I realize I haven't said anything.

"Thank you." She glances over at me, and her cheeks are flushed pink, and my chest tightens. She smiles at me shyly.

"Don't you think mommy looks pretty?" Ma says walking across the room and picking up Theo in her arms. He beams causing all of us to break into a smile.

"You two have a great time tonight." Ma says, giving Maura a quick hug and she squeezes my shoulder, a passing understanding between the both of us.

"You be good for grandma." Maura tells Theo kissing him on the cheek.

"Be good." I hug and kiss him goodbye.

"Shall we go Mrs. Rizzoli?" I ask extending my arm to Maura. She nods and the smile she tries to hide peeks through.

"Yes we shall, Mrs. Rizzoli." She says in an amused tone."

I look at Korsak hoping my look conveys, that our conversation isn't finished. He nods back at me.

We pull up in front of the restaurant, and I open the door for her and give the valet driver my keys. I extend my arm and when she takes it, I can't help but notice how good we fit. I also notice the lingering gaze of the valet worker on her as we make our way to the entrance. We're immediately seated, and in one of the best sections of the restaurant, close enough to hear the live band but not drown out conversation. Our order is taken, and I order a bottle of her favorite red wine, one that's on the sweeter side. It's not my favorite but tonight isn't about me. I feel a pull in my stomach, more like a knot, but I ignore it.

"You usually don't like for me to drink." She looks at me with playful eyes and an amused grin on her lips.

I tear my eyes away from her beautiful lips and remind myself to focus. "There's a difference between drinking for pleasure and in moderation and drinking for courage or numbness." I take a drink of my water. She frowns slightly and her eyes narrow on me, reminding me of how she usually looks at me.

"Do you always have to be so serious?" She asks, a hint of annoyance in her tone but her expression is amused.

My eyebrow raise. "I didn't know that I was always serious." I chuckle, and she rolls her eyes and takes a drink from her glass.

"Not always, not when you're interacting with Theo, you're not so…" She looks up as if trying to find a word that won't offend me, and it's adorable. "Uptight." She giggles, and I can't help but smile.

"See, when you smile… it's like magic." I can't say I'm not taken aback, and she looks down shyly. "Or in your words, it's enthralling." She mimics my voice. "See, I know big words too." She winks.

I can't help but laugh again. She blushes, and I can tell the wine has started to swim through her blood stream, but she's also pacing herself.

"You said you'd never leave me, yet when the going got tough you were out the door." She says after our appetizers are brought out.

What? Whoa, change of direction.

"When did I say I'd never leave?"

"You told my father that you would never walk out and make me do all this on my own."

My heart constricts and I lean back in my seat and look at her, knowing that she doesn't want petty lies or half truths. But it would be a lie to say I don't miss the easy smile that was just on her face, because the somber expression she holds now terrifies me.

"I was overwhelmed. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid, all that stuff with Hoyt last year really screwed with me, I was trying to deal with the pain. Then, after I left, it dawned on me that that pain isn't as bad as the pain of losing you." I whisper, ashamed.

I start to shake my head and consider telling her I'm sorry, but those words don't change anything. You can't take back something you've said or done, and throwing a couple more words onto the end of it doesn't erase what has occurred. I can't stop that from happening now because time just doesn't flow that way.

In my mind, I hear the sound of shattered glass.

 _"_ _You stupid, stupid fuck!" My father screams, and I try to get out of the kitchen chair faster than he can reach me. I fail and he grabs me by my ankle, pulling me off the chair and letting me fall to the floor. A piece of shattered glass embeds itself in the palm of my hand._

 _"_ _Stop your little girl crying!" He screams._

 _"_ _I'-I'm-I'm s-s-sorry!"_

 _"_ _Shut up, you stupid little shit. Sorry doesn't change anything! Sorry is fucking pointless! Sorry doesn't make that glass magically fix itself! It ain't gonna make the money to replace it fucking appear out of thin air! Don't you ever fucking say sorry again, you stupid, stupid…"_

Memories I don't think my conscious mind had ever revealed to me flows through my head.

I shake my head, shaking those thoughts away.

"I don't think I will ever believe I deserve you, but I love you more than I can even possibly describe." Maura looks up at me. "I don't know if I can ever…be better for you, but if you're willing to keep forgiving me for being a complete idiot, I'm willing to keep trying."

Our food is brought out before she can respond, I wait for her to say something, but she doesn't.

"I'm curious." I tell her, waiting until halfway through our meal. "What ever happened to that woman you went on a date with?"

I'm not sure what I expect her to say. Do I honestly think she's going to say, I don't want her because I can't think about anyone but you? Nice thought, but no, that's not going to happen.

"Her name is Natasha and she was actually my best friend in college. She ended our friendship right before graduation."

Her words are matter of fact, no bitterness, no hurt. Yet rage starts to build inside of me on her behalf. "Why the fuck did she do that?"

"Well, according to her, because she wanted more than friendship with me."

"Are you serious?" I ask. "She actually told you that?"

"Yeah…I mean, I kind of respected her honesty about it." She says. "You know…she was painfully honest."

Painfully honest. A term that she respects, this I know.

"Still had to hurt." I take a guess.

"Very much." She says. "But I moved on. Until she contacted me out of the blue a few months ago and wanted to see me.

"How was the date?" I ask.

She's silent a moment before she answers, and I think I might have struck a bad nerve with her. I'm on the verge of telling her to forget I even asked, when she says. "The date was good…it was fine. I even had a second dinner with her, but it's not going anywhere."

My interest is perked. "Why's that?" I ask, my interest perked.

"Because she's not you." She answers me honestly, and I can feel my heart swell to epic proportions.

"So what happened on those two dates?" I ask, my curiosity about to kill me, and depending on what Maura says, I may want to kill this woman.

"The first date had lot of catching up to do, and the second she made it clear she wanted to move things along."

"And what did you want?"

"I wasn't sure at the time," she says in a murmur. "I really just wanted to try to be friends first and I was honest with her about it."

"Have you gotten any clarity on the matter since then?"

"I believe so." She says.

We finish our meal in silence, and we leave.

"Can you stop by my house, before we go to your mother's?" She asks, when I start to drive.

I don't acknowledge her, but she knows I will.

I pull into her driveway and kill the engine. It was a quiet ride from the restaurant, and I'm more anxious now then I was before dinner. "Do you want to come in?" She asks.

I nod. Without another word she gets out. My heart is thrumming wildly within my chest because I'm thinking Maura is going to tell me here that she doesn't want me anymore. We walk across the sidewalk and up the porch, where I notice that the light to the right of door is burned out. It causes the light on the left to cast dark shadows across half the doorway. As I reach the top step, Maura unlocks the door, and steps inside.

It's dark but Maura doesn't turn any lights on, I follow her into the kitchen, I'm so nervous now my hands are shaking. I want to say something but I don't know what.

She raises her head, her eyes traveling over my face, The dim light over the sink illuminates her face and her eyes. The look on her face makes my stomach hurt because I am scared shitless of losing her. My heart and the words I want to say to her stalls right at my lips, I can't release them. I don't have that kind of courage. She steps closer to me almost touching me, her gaze is steady on mine. I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't want me and that scares me enough to shut down again. I don't, though. I told her I will try, so I will.

"You are forgiven, my strong, beautiful, gentle idiot." She softens against me, her hands sliding up to my shoulders, and for the first time in months the vise around my heart begins to ease.


	13. Chapter 13

**3 years ago.**

 **Jane's point of view.**

I lean against the doorframe quietly as Maura rocks Theo to sleep.

"After the beautiful princess vanquished the demons, and the two rode off into the sunset, and lived happily ever after . . ."

Theo's still body renders her attempt successful.

"That's my all time favorite fairytale." I voice softly.

Maura flicks her eyes up to meet mine before she smiles brightly. "Mine too."

Stealthily, she stands with a sleeping Theo in her arms. My heart hasn't stopped beating with joy since we rode off into the sunset.

Maura promised to give me everything I never knew I needed, and all the things I was afraid to wish for, and she has kept that promise every single day. A home, a wife, a family. I never dared to wish for any of those things. They weren't meant for a woman like me. A woman with a dirty past and despicable secrets. But Maura changed everything. She changed me. Freed my captive heart.

I'm no longer no one. Nothing.

I'm someone to a precious little miracle and an amazing woman. And they're everything to me.

"You look pretty sexy with a baby in your arms." I wrap myself around her once she places Theo in his crib and creeps across the room to the doorway.

"Oh yeah?" We walk down the shadowy hallway hip to hip, arm in arm, past the walls littered with wedding pictures and pictures of Theo. Past a life I never thought could be mine.

"Wanna make another one?"

She laughs as we climb into bed. "Think you could handle another one?"

"Haven't you realized by now, beautiful? With you by my side, I can handle anything . . ."

 **The present.**

 **Jane's point of view.**

 _"_ _You are forgiven, my strong, beautiful, gentle idiot." She softens against me, her hands sliding up to my shoulders, and for the first time in months the vise around my heart begins to ease._

Gathering her closer, I tuck my head down next to hers. She feels like heaven in my arms. I want to absorb her through my pores. I want to soak some of her into me, some of her heat, some of the life pulsing through her. Instead of the fear of losing her, its all about the aching. Aching skin, aching heart. I want to lose myself in her. I want to forget who I am, and instead be what we are together…Perfect. Fucking…perfect.

The scent of her makes me smile, wraps itself around me, seeping into these yearning pores, filling me, and another layer of tension eases, as a completely different tension grabs hold of me. She smells warm and sweet and very female. It's as if I can see a path out of the dark. Maybe, just maybe this can still work. Maybe we can find ourselves on this path and see, finally see where we can go from here. I sigh, scarcely daring to hope.

She kisses along my jaw, and my insides melt into mush. I kiss her hair, then let my mouth slide lower to her temple, her cheek, to the tender skin of her neck. God, its heaven to hold her again, to feel her skin with my lips, to take a taste and feel her tremble.

She has always opened the door to my emotions, she lets everything I keep locked up tight out. I thought I had thrown away the key when I left her, but Maura has it tucked in her hand. All she has to do is fit it into the lock and turn, and I will be lost. And found.

I open my mouth on her ear, let my breath warm her, let my teeth gently graze her lobe, letting my body tell her how much I want her. How much I need her. I slide my hand down her back, under her dress, and down to the base of her spine, caressing silken skin, rediscovering silken curves. A tremor goes through her, and I hold onto the chaos pressing me to the edge. I slowly bring my hand all the way back up, until my open palm rest on her rib cage and my thumb gently caresses the underside of her breast.

She goes very still in my arms, her breath catching, and I give it up to her. Surrender to her.

"I missed you." That should be safe enough. "I missed you so much it hurt." What I don't feel safe telling her is I still hurt, everywhere, all at once, all the time, and if she can't save me, I might be lost forever.

"I missed you, too." Her voice is soft. If I wasn't holding her in my arms, I wouldn't have heard her. But I did.

She looks up at me again, and reaches up and sets her fingertips against my lips and traces them oh, so slowly. "Please, kiss me. I'm dying for you to kiss me. I'm afraid I'll hurt you if I do it."

"You would never hurt me, Jane. Never." She breathes before she presses her mouth to mine. My hands curl around her ribcage, the feel of her skin and the silky dress against my palms is intoxicating.

She runs her fingers into my hair, her kiss demanding me to respond, but I am holding on to my control by its last threads. My control is tenuous and I don't want to hurt her. She cups the back of my head and presses harder, and I can't hold on anymore. With a growl of need, I press her back, pushing myself against her core, pressing my mouth over hers, slipping my tongue inside, my knees almost buckle at the sweet taste of her.

This is what I want, what I need, the part of me I have tried so stubbornly to keep hidden from her, the part of me I have only shared with her, the part no one else ever gets to see. She is the sweetest thing on earth, giving it all up for me, her responses triggering more of my own, the two of us get lost in each other.

She gasps, almost a sob, and a huge wave of tension lifts away from me while I give myself up to the wonder of her.

Her fingers are still in my hair, my hands have slipped down to her hips. Her mouth is hotter and sweeter then I remembered, filling me up with her essence.

I kiss her again, and again, and again, and she cries out each time, melting against me.

She goes for the zipper on my pants, slipping it down, undoing the button at the top until my loose pants drop to my shoes. She palms my erection through my boxers, eliciting a low, rumbling groan.

"Maura." I whisper, and she brushes her lips over mine while her hand slips over the top of my boxer briefs, grazing me. I jerk like she touched me with a live wire, the shock of pleasure scorching through me.

She kisses my neck and trails her mouth down, kissing me and stroking me. I arch my hips forward at the feel of the slide of her hand.

But when she dips to her knees and tugs at my boxers, I grasp her under the arms. "No. Please. No." I croak.

She looks up at me. "Why?" she whispers, resisting my attempts to pull her to her feet. "Why won't you let me do this? I want to go down on you."

I crouch down. "I'm…I'm afraid."

"Of what? Does this have something to do with Charles Hoyt?"

"This is mortifying." I mumble, my face heating. I want her, but I want to retreat.

She cups my face and forces my eyes to hers. "No, it's not. You can tell me anything, Jane. Anything at all. I will always be there for you."

I lift my hands to cover my hot face, to hide from her, but she grasps my wrist and pulls them away. "Jane, don't. You don't need to feel embarrassed."

I settle on my knees with her, stroking her face.

"The idea of you doing...that." Fuck. "It turns me on until I'm so hard I can't breathe."

"Then what?"

I look at her and she holds my gaze, I have spent too much time shredding my conscience, and scoring my soul. Beating myself up, battering myself, thinking she is too beautiful, too pure for me. That I will ruin her. Just like Ma had been ruined by my father. That is my problem, But I am so damn tired of being without…her.

"I'm so tired of fighting…myself."

"I understand." She says. "I see it every time you look at me. You fought so hard against us in the beginning."

I close my eyes, the burning pressure behind my eyelids overwhelming, my throat tight.

She hold my face in her hands again. "I've seen you, Jane." Maura's voice is low, soft, and unmistakably confident. "I've seen you. Not who you pretend to be, not who you try to hide behind. I've seen the real you. Please, Jane. Please don't hide from me anymore."

"I don't know how else to be." I say. "If I could be…something…someone else…for you, I'd do it."

"I know you would." she says, and her lips cover mine again as my hands find her hips and pull her closer to me. I don't know if she is right, and I don't know if there is a difference between who she thinks she see's and who I really am. I don't know if I can be different than who I've always been, but right now she wants me, and whoever I might have been before doesn't matter.

"I want to be." I mumble against her mouth, the words just spilling out without any real, conscious thought behind them. "I want to be…for you…"

"I know." She murmurs back.

I wrap my arms around her back then release her and push myself up, so I am standing and she is on her knees facing me.

I fight off a surge of panic. She is warm and giving. She looks at me with such compassion. Not pity, which I'm always worried I will see.

Can she open this locked door…just a little? She pushes my boxers off, releasing me.

She wraps her hand around it, runs her thumb over the top, and while I am still absorbing this eye crossing pleasure, she runs her whole hand down the length of me and back up.

Fuck. I let myself soak in the intense sweetness of having her stroke me. It is so perfect, exactly what I have dreamed over the last year, when I have been lonely for her, wanting her, exactly like this, turning me on, sharing an experience having more to do with living than the resistance I have valiantly and stupidly thought was best.

"I longed for you, longed to have you touch me like you're touching me now, this whole year, Maura." My voice brakes. "I just wanted to breathe without it hurting."

"Oh, Jane, I felt the same way."

I feel like I am spilling my guts, confessing things guaranteed to make her look at me with pity.

I twist under the hot feel of her mouth, and brace my hands on the countertop, groaning when her mouth slides across me, the first intimate touch tightening my hands. I have never been so miserable or felt such pleasure, but I want this, I need her to dissolve all my doubts.

I groan, my head dropping toward my chest, my hips thrusting as she works her tongue in a sensual exploration of my anatomy like nothing I'd ever experienced. I watch her move over me, unraveling me even more, all but turning me inside out with the pleasure.

She strokes me with infinite finesse, infinite tenderness. The pleasure is achingly sweet and intensely keen. She leaves no part of me untouched, unloved by her lips, and her tongue, and her hands and fingers, exploring, applying pressure, rubbing me in exquisite, surprising moves I didn't even known I would love.

I run my fingers of one hand into her hair as she rocks against me and rocks my world until it is tilting. I let another barrier fall away, opening myself up a little more, wanting to take her in, to get closer to her heat.

When it gets to be almost more than I can handle, when I need to be in her, I pull her up. Sliding my mouth down over hers. Grasping the hem of her dress, I pull it off over her head. I work my fingers under the clasp of the lace bra, urging her arms over her head, palming her breasts, rubbing against the hard points of her nipples. Then her bra is off and my mouth replaces my hands.

Her panties come after a couple of quick moves. She takes a deep, shaky breath as they slid down her legs. I grasp her waist and lift her onto the counter, driven by a surge of raw need. "Scoot back." I say, helping her move a bit so she is securely seated.

My hand goes between her legs to tease her, please her. "Maura." I growl. "I don't have a condom. Fuck!"

"You don't need it. I'm protected. It's okay."

I want to go as slowly as I can, which isn't very damn slow since I want to be inside her, as deeply as I can get, for as long as I can be there. I drag her hips against me and slide in. "Maura." I say, kissing her mouth, tasting her breath, as ragged as mine. I support her while I thrust into her in an uncontrollable rhythm she matches effortlessly.

I gasp when pleasure like a kick to my gut rolls over me, and I grip the countertop hard with one hand as an anchor for my wildly spinning equilibrium. The cleanest thing I have felt for months washes through me, and I let myself fall, just fall off the edge of the earth.

She moves her hips and I keep falling. I seal my mouth back over hers, matching it to the rhythm of our bodies, letting myself sink into the act, letting myself be consumed by the heat and power surging through me, letting her burn my heart, until there is only her, coming with a keening cry, holding me, her body tightening around mine and taking me with her.

The pleasure is intense, soul shattering, almost more than I can bear. It strips me down to my core, and in the aftermath, when it fades and leaves me unprotected in her arms, there is nothing I can do. No way for me to push the feelings back behind the now unlocked door.


End file.
